opening credits

It opens with Tony in Jenny's office looking around, especially her flowers. Apparently it is a passion of his. She asks Tony how he thought he did as team leader and rates himself a B-. he claims to have no problem working for Gibbs again though. Jenny gives him an offer for his own team because his performance has been great.He is having second thoughts though about leaving Gibbs and the rest.

Tony is going to the squad room and a gets a call from dispatch and Tony tells them to call Gibbs, because he isn't team leader.

they go out and arrive at a car that is stolen and has blood in the back. Gibbs is having trouble finding things because Tony decided to rearange the supply cabinet. It is more efficiant this way. Ziva comes to the conclusion that she was not slaughtered in the back. Tony gives and order and to report to him. gibbs looks at him wierd and sends Ziva and Tony out. Meanwhile Gibbs and McGee try to figure out where the missing lieutant went and find her other shoe. They find that she was forced and put into another car.

Ziva and Tony arrive at the lieutenants appartment and it looks a lot like McGees. She has a pile of profiles of potential targets.

At the squad room they are reviewing the victim Lieutant sullivan and suspect so far had no hits but a likness to a mug shot, Justin Ferris. Tony and McGee come to the conclusion that Gibbs is more human because of the mustache.

Abby's Lab: She arranged the profiles and on is missing, AB1016. She was profiling men and the information is on her computer except the hard drive is smashed badly.

Tony is on the phone and can't get Probie to come over. McGee doesn't respond well being called probie. McGee doesn't think that Tony could rate his own team because if he did he wouldn't be here. Gibbs tell McGee that his first partner still calls him Probie. Tony was going out to get Justin to find that he is turning himself in.

In interrogation Justin says that he just stole the car and Sullivan woke up screaming so he left her. She started screaming about being Singled out. Justin says he thought a silver honda was tailing him.

In autopsy Ducky is profiling sullivan. he is conducting a psychological profile. Sullivan is a loner who has been around the world.There seems to be hostility between Gibbs and Ducky.

In the squad room they find that Sullivan is a female version of McGee.

Gibbs wakes up Abby by telling her that her computer is on fire. The find a time table which is incrypeted. Abby find a ,000 software called morph-pro. Tony said that it is big bucks on a lieutenant salary. Gibbs claims that we have nothing until they crack the incrypting. Ducky runs down a list of of possible passwords and gets it with spanish rose. Sullivan was trying to find a husband.

She used morph-pro to find what her adult offspring would look like. they try Ziva and Tony, and gibbs and the director. Abby discovered that the lieutenant was at a speed dating event. Apparently McGee has also been to a speed dating event. The men remain the same but the women change every night. Ziva goes undercover as a geek.

Ziva is surprised at the idea of 90 second dates. Ziva talksto the guys about herslef and tries to get theif prints. Tony is at the bar and asks the guy if he has ever seen is "friend" lieutenant. the bartender says she is with the speed dating party and one of the guys she was with is with Ziva. Gibbs tells Tony to take him down except his print didn't match.

In interrogation Calvin is being questioned by Tony and Ziva about this stolen car. he reported it missing from his house in fairfax but he was at the bellmont every night for 3 nights. he was a speed dating and didn't want his wife to findout. He is discribing a person who stole his car.

In Abby's lab she is running prints off a pay phone and where the calls came from.

They all show up at the warehouse with guns drawn and start searching the premises. Tony finds clues that they were planning a heist and Ziva finds the missing profile.

In the hotel we see two people exchanging money who look like workers. We then see Sullivan crying and scared with duck tape over her mouth. Ziva comes in and tells him not to shoot or she will shoot. Gibbs tells Tony it is only a couple of minutes between death or life.

Tony walks into Jenny's office and decides to pass on the promotion. Jenny told Tony that she is proud adn sometimes wishes she would have taken her career slower.

• Tony enjoys being the team leader and sometimes may even misses it, but still believes he has lot more to learn from Gibbs.
• Gibbs acts different with that moustache and it suprises the team and possibly catches them off guard.
• McGee is more bothered now when Tony calls him Probie.
• Ducky conducting a psychological autopsy because he has a degree in forensic psychology.

• When Gibbs wakes Abby by whispering in her ear, "Your computer's on fire."
• When Tony, Ziva and McGee are playing on morph pro and Gibbs walks in when they are putting him and the Director on there!
• Watching Ziva undercover as a nerd.
• Tony: "Our big, bad spy doesn't do geek." Ziva: "Did he just say Greek?"
• Seeing Gibbs' reactions to watching Ziva undercover as a nerd.

• The song playing in the opening is "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp.
• At the start of the episode, the girl driving the car is wearing the same top as 'Marta' (evil Hamas chick, friends with Ari and now dead) did in 'Reveille'.
• When McGee uses MorphPro on Tony and Ziva the result is a baby, but just before that he said that MorphPro is used to predict the appearence of your adult offspring. Continuity mistake much?

Guest Starring:

• Heather Avery Clyde (Lt. Anne Sullivan)
• Mieko Hillman (Jennifer Murphy)
• Mike Beaver (Larry West)
• Claire Coffee (Nikki Crawshaw)
• Daniel Hagen (Calvin Hopper)
• Misha Collins (Justin Farris)
• Seamus Dever (Graham Thomas)

• David North

• Terrence O'Hara

Harm Rabb: How long you been doing this, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Nineteen years.
Rabb: Can you tell someone's lying by just looking at their eyes?
Gibbs: I can.
Rabb: Yeah, well, look at mine. Ask me. Ask me!
Gibbs: Would you kill for your brother?

Abby:There's a futon, under the cabinet over there
Tony: Oh, bless you!
Abby:What are you, my priest?
Tony:Curse you?
Abby: Ahhha

Kate: You know, when you're on the job 24/7, how else do you get to know someone?
Gibbs:Church.

Tony: That’s funny Gibbs, real funny. Especially since…ah Gib- ah!
Gibbs: (Hangs up his phone) I guess they found him.

Kate: I earned my jock strap.
Gibbs: Ever give you that empty feeling?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: Your jock strap.
Kate: No, like some species of frogs, I grow what I need.

Coroner: Hello Ducky. How’d you like those steaks I air-expressed you?
Ducky: Delicious.
Fornell: He air-expressed him steaks?
Kate: It’s a big state. Look how long it took him to get here.

Gibbs: Hey! Cockpit’s on the top deck.
Tony: I knew that.

Gibbs: Did you enjoy playing my boss?
Ducky: I did, rather.

Ducky: Good God, Gibbs. I’ve barely met the deceased.

Tony: Gibbs? Pilot won’t take off until the secret service chick gives her thumbs up.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No. I think it means I just have to hijack Air Force One.

Kate: Your team. But only because I don’t wanna delay us further by having to shoot you.

Fornell: Why is your medical examiner taking the body to Washington?
Coroner: Never said he was MY medical examiner.

Kate: I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans, they're top secret!
Gibbs: Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out… you can shoot DiNozzo.
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Director Morrow: Did you have to, literally, slam the door on the FBI’s face?
Gibbs: There were more of them than us.
Director: There’s always more of them than us.

Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony. But isn’t 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: Yeah maybe it was.

Gibbs: Rule number one: Never let suspects stay together.
Gibbs: Rule number two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Gibbs: Rule number three: Never believe what your told always double check.

Tony: (slightly hopeful): You think she’s got whatever killed the Commander?

Kate: Did you use that thermometer on cadavers?
Ducky: Would you rather I use the liver probe?

Ducky: Well, if you don’t work with him, then how… Ah!
Kate: Did you think I was a virgin?
Ducky: I’d hoped not.

Gibbs: Want me to take that call for you?
Kate: I'd have to be dead.
Gibbs: (laughs)

Gibbs: If you two are through taking pictures of each other maybe we can move this body aft.

Gibbs: Never say you’re sorry.

Gibbs: Ducky? Why would Abby go to a fat party?

Abby: This guy was on organic freak. I mean, he probably whizzed green.

Abby: Do you dudes in the Secret Service ever think about throwing yourselves in front of the President’s diet?

Fornell: How’s your butt?
Tony: (with a smile) Still bouncing on the beltway.

Gibbs: Please?
Abby: Wow! Gibbs said “Please".

Ducky: Nature always proves to be a far more illusive and powerful killer than men.

Kate [addressing Gibbs]: You’re still a bastard.

Gibbs: I heard you quit, Agent Todd.
Kate: Happy news gets around fast. Yes, I resigned. It was the right thing to do.
Gibbs: Yep. Pull that crap at NCIS, I won’t give you a chance to resign.
Kate: Is that a job offer?

Secuirty Guard: Okay, you can go through the metal detectors, but your bags gotta go through the scanner.
Gibbs: Wait a minute, you're letting us take weapons on board, and you wanna scan our bags?
Secuirty Gaurd: Well, you've got permits for the weapons.You don't for the bags.

Gibbs: We're LEO's.
Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.

Baer: I'm going to be doing paper work for a week.
Gibbs: Oh yeah, me too.
Baer: Agent Todd told me about her and Major Kerry when she tendered her resignation.
Gibbs: You accepting?
Baer: Of course, she broke the rules. (shakes Gibbs hand) Thank you Special Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: No, sir. Thank you.

Kate: I may not know the finer points of investigating, like sticking needles in liver and measuring swimsuit models, but I do know enough to hold the stewards who prepared and served the President's lunch.
Gibbs: Hum. Okay.
Kate: You want to question them?
Gibbs: No, they're not going anywhere, and we've got a crime scene to investigate. Rule Number One. Never let suspects stay together.
Kate: Well, I didn't consider them suspects.
Gibbs: Then why'd you hold them?

Tony: Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's five foot four and a thirty-four C, or five foot seven and a thirty-six D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thank you.

Tony: Jumping's gotta be so cool.
Gibbs: Hey, you wanna play paratrooper? Pay 0, take a class like all those other weekend warriors.
Tony: Yeah, I have so many weekends free!

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of those chutes?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby: Oh, definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, (nudges Kate) you got the job.
Kate: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Kate: How'd you get into this?
Abby: Filled out an application.

Gibbs: So you gonna do it?
Tony: What?
Gibbs: Spend 0 to defy gravity?
Tony: (grinning) Yeah, I think I am.

Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
Tony: Not me.
Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category of want to get kicked in the ass on the ground.

Tony: Very electric Kool-Aid, Abby.
Abby: I was thinking more Blue Man Group.

Tony: Wow, why didn't you take to me this fast?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony. It takes a while for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back.
Tony: That's more than I wanted to know.

Gibbs: Only thing you can use the DNA registry for is to identify a body.
Kate: Well, there has to be a way around that.
Gibbs: See? Now you're thinking like an NCIS agent.

Gibbs: You never work the system when you can work the people.
Kate: Any of those horse traders you come from get hung?
Gibbs: Yeah. Few.

Gibbs: (looking at his cell phone) Identity withheld.
Tony: Probably the reason you married her. I mean, she probably hid her real personality, as most women do, and by that time it was too late 'cause you'd already… I'm gonna shut up now.
Gibbs: Now?

Kate: How did you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, where'd you learn how to write? China?
Kate: I'd say Egypt. Looks more like hieroglyphics.
Tony: Hey! You were in a rush to read it.
Gibbs: My mistake.

Kate: If the Captain were a suspect, we would've read him his rights, wouldn't we?
Gibbs: Very good, Agent Todd. Very good.

Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not! Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.

Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: Always wanted to jump. Agent Gibbs came along to laugh.

Tony: What's your reserve chute number?
Marine: Four.
Tony: Four? No, four's unlucky in China.
Gibbs: We're not in China.
Tony:I don't care

Tony: Are we ever gonna make the eleven o'clock news?
Gibbs: Could've happened tonight if you broke your neck.

Tony: Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
Ducky: Oh, dear.
Tony: What?
Ducky: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
Tony: Which marriage?
Ducky: Well, the last one, of course.
Tony: Ducky. I'm not following.
Ducky: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
Tony: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
Ducky: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.

Kate: He could've given Thumper a dirty chute.
Gibbs: What'd you say?
Kate: Ramsay could've given Thumper a sabotaged chute.
Gibbs: No, you said dirty.
Kate: What?
Tony: With Gibbs, you never know.

Abby: When I was a kid, we lived near this lot where they brought all the burned-out hulks from the gnarliest car wrecks. I used to sneak in there at night and take pictures. It wasn't about the gore, it was about…figuring out how things happened. Y'know, like action, reaction, the science of the whole thing. I got hooked.

Captain Faul: You JAG or NCIS?
Gibbs: Do I look like a lawyer?

Gerald: You shoved a French cop over a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below.
Gibbs: Sixty feet below!

Tony: Well, it gives you a warm feeling doesn't it?
Gerald: What?
Tony: Knowing Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.

Tony: I knew a granny in Baltimore, hid a kilo of H [heroin] in her horse's rectum.
Kate: No horse on the boat, Tony.

Kate: I did work for the Secret Service. We tend to get all hot and bothered over large sums of 0 bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for you?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery that you will never solve.

Gibbs: Why do I feel like a high school principal?

Gibbs: Did you get that reporters number or was that just talk?
Tony: (slightly offended) Gibbs?
Gibbs: See if she's available for lunch.
Tony: Can I expense it?
Gibbs: No, but I will.

Tony: (about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists) You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?

Fornell: Agent Todd. I see you've joined the cowboys.

Abby: You're holding out on us. That is not nice.

Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister, Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.

Gibbs: Fornell's got target fixation.
Kate: Come again?
Tony: It's when a fighter pilot gets so fixed on his target that he flies right into it.
Kate: Ah. Like you and women?

Tony: Then I got the tapes of the nearest Mobil station.
Kate: Wow. That was very smart Tony!
Tony: Any guy could have done it.
Kate: Guy? Learn to shut up when your ahead!

Gibbs: How many numbers did he dial?
Kate: Six.
Tony: One more and bada-bing-bada-boom.
Gibbs: Lucky he wasn't phony savy.
Kate: Savy enough to wire three phones to the same number.
Gibbs: Yeah. What if he used speed dial?

Tony: [Quoting a memo] All agents, not working active cases, are to attend a sexual harassment lecture at the NCIS Human Resource Center at 0930 hours, today.
Gibbs: I can not sit through another one of those, I will shoot myself.
Kate: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass? (Gets a dirty look from Gibbs) Hey, I'm kidding, except for Tony.
Tony: The last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seat belt on.
Kate: Right! Seat Belt.

Fuller: (pats dog) Can Tony sniff for drugs now?
Tony: Tony?
Fuller: Some coincidence, huh?
Tony: Bet he’s a real stud.
Fuller: He’s neutered.

(Tony tries to say something in sign language to Gibbs)
Gibbs: You should wash your hands with soap for saying that.

Fuller: Your bluff worked. Trujillo wants to talk. He really believed you'd ship him off to Gitmo.
Gibbs: The secret of a good bluff, Agent Fuller, is not to bluff.

Kate: He could be a power company doing his job (Guy opens fire at them).
Gibbs: No, I don't think so!

Dobbs: Do you think he was shot or drowned?
Tony: Well, either way he's dead.

Tony: The best IT guy in our office is 22, Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 yr old nephew.

Tony: Abby, have fun with your MMROPG.
(Tony looks at him)
Gibbs: What?
Tony: MMOR..PG.
Gibbs: Thank you.
Tony: You're welcome
Gibbs: Can I talk to Ducky, now?

Tony: You might want to warn us about what you're working on after lunch, Ducky.
Ducky: Yes. I suppose gazing directly into an exposed digestive system doesn't aid the actual process.
Tony: Not after the meal we just had.

Abby: Oh, and here's the big whoop.
Gibbs: Fine. Whoop me.

Tony: (to Gibbs) When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. (Gets a look from Gibbs)… Neither does Tony.

Abby: This guy had diarrhea of the keyboard.

Kate: He expressly told me to wait for his call.
Gibbs: I expressly don't give a ****. Ride his a**.

Ducky: You know, Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby: Me, too.

Gibbs: Tony, what time did the schmuck's report say the dispersing office was robbed?
Kate: What schmuck?
Gibbs: Well, our schmuck, unfortunately.

Abby: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!

Kate: (regarding the mummy) He's not wearing shoes.
Tony: I kick mine off when I fly.

Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in'?

Kate: Good news, Commander. It took ten years, but we located your luggage.
Gibbs: “You’re still workin for us; I wanna talk to the on-board NCIS Special Agent in 94.”
Tony: “What if he’s not with us?”
Gibbs: “I wanna talk to the-”
Both: “On board NCIS Special Agent in 94."

Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIB's, one B. Stands for Guy In Back.
Kate: Why do you need two B's?
Gibbs: Second one's for 'bastard'.

Kate: Gotta be decaf.
Gibbs: What?
Kate: All that coffee you drink.
Gibbs: Hi-test.
Kate: Don't you twitch?

Tony: Was it something I said?
Gibbs: Not yet.

Tony: Well it looks like were gonna have to go to Hawaii, Boss.
Gibbs: Now its what you said.

Abby: (in sign language) Tony's weird.
Gibbs: Oh, you're just figuring that out now?

Tony: “I didn’t think you would. He’s considerably younger than you are.”
Gibbs: “What would you consider considerably?”
Tony: “Well the guy was young, Gibbs. Only 28. Makes him 37 now.”
Gibbs: “Then ‘considerably’ would not be an accurate description.”
Tony: “I didn’t realize Boss. How old are you?”
Gibbs: “Doesn’t matter how old I am.”
Tony: “Well it does actually because it gives me a reference point for the word you’re-”

Gibbs: Of course you believe him; it's a chick flick.

Golfer Ben: This is a private club. How did you get in here?
Kate: (exhibits badge and gun) I showed these at the gate.

Abby: Please don't call me Abigail!
Ducky: Well, then, don't yell 'Fore' when I have a niblick in my hand.
Abby: A niblick? Sounds like a sex act.

Gibbs: Do not 'sir' me. I work for a living.

Abby: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me, eh?
Gibbs: Some kinda priority here I don't know about?
Abby: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Tony: You got computers at Pearl?
Owens: Yeah, but ours is on the beach so we can surf on breaks.

Owens: That fingerprint match was faked? Okay, you guys are crazy.
Gibbs: Yeah.

Tony: I'd say the fastest way would be to take the Beltway to highway 235 south, take that to route 50, and then…punch it into the nav system when we get lost.

Kate: I interviewed LT Schills's widow. They had a child, Alicia, nine years old and she's as pretty as her mom.
Tony: I knew I should've taken that interview.
Kate: She's remarried, Tony.
Tony: Yeah?
Kate: He does this just to screw with me – don't you?

Gibbs: Consciousness will make the interview go much smoother.

Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there's such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that, too.

Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.

Gibbs: That the best you can do, Stan? After working under me five years?
Burley: At least I don't taint evidence when I bag and tag.
Gibbs: I tripped! One time!
Burley: As I remember, it's because you had your eyes glued to some little…
Gibbs: Do you mind if we get back to the tape now?

Kate: And if someone wanted to beat it?
Lieutenant: Ma'am?
Kate: The system.
Lieutenant: Oh.

Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I, but the intent was sincere.

Burley: Gosh, y'know, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now.
Gibbs: What's that?
Burley: Tightness in my chest, the upset stomach, all the pleasantries that come with working for you.

Tony: Is this going to turn into one of those guy-girl things where you insist we stop and ask for directions?

Abby: Smart money says that that is not a Tic-Tac.

Gibbs: That pouch may be clear, but my gut is still in living color.

Tony: I say it's time we turn out the lights and play in the dark.

Burley: I have to say, it was like deja vu working with you again, Boss.
Gibbs: Good deja vu or bad?
Burley: Good.
Both: And bad.

Gibbs: You got a little glob on your shirt, Stan.

Stan Burley: I was with the agency for two years before he (referring to Gibbs) looked me in the eyes…
Tony: Really?
Stan: …three years before he called me by name, and four years before he got it right… by then I'd actually gotten used to Steve.He must really like you.

Burley: Gibbs, it's Stan Burley. Put down whatever the h*** you're doing with that stupid boat and pick up!

Kate: It's not the same thing, you know.
Tony: What?
Kate: Well, you and Gibbs, Burley and Gibbs.
Tony: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kate: It was a different dynamic, y'know? A different time. You can't compare the relationships.
Tony: Who's comparing?
Kate: All I'm saying is that…things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.

Gibbs: (To Tony in re: McGee) Better get Michael Jackson out of here before he ralphs.

McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: Only half of them are true. Trick is figuring out which half.

Gibbs: Whale huggers?
Guard: Yes, sir. Been bugging us for weeks.
Gibbs: Why don't you just shoot 'em?
Guard: I've been tempted.

Tony: (sarcastically) Bet you were a lot of fun in college.
Kate: I was a lot of fun in college.

Kate: I don't see a submarine.
(Sub breaks the surface of the water)
Gibbs: You see it now?

Abby: There's good news and bad news.
Ducky: I hate it when you play this game, Abby. All right, let's get it over with.
Abby: His last meal was a Big Mac and fries.
Ducky: Well, probably half the base had that for lunch. I was hoping you'd come up with something more exotic. Tandoori, perhaps. And the good news?
Abby: I know what's in the special sauce.

Tony: (regarding Abby) Not your type.
McGee: How do you know?
Tony: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tattoo your buttocks, McGee?
McGee: I don't think so.
Tony: Then we need never speak of her again.

Kate: Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Gibbs: I like to think it's me.

(After an emergency blow has sent the sub rocketing to the surface)
Kate: Wow!
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what they all tell me.

Abby: So, what's Agent McGee like?
Tony: Like most newbies: quiet, green, gullible.
Abby: Bi.

Kate: (talking about McGee) I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless.
Gibbs: He told him he got a tatt on his a**.

Gibbs: Drink.
Kate: What's with all the water?
Gibbs: Oh, you gotta hydrate on a sub marine.
Kate: All you've had me doing is hydrating.
Gibbs: Drink it. (she takes a drink) So how's your bladder?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: The COB's at the end of the passageway are trying to keep an eye on us.You gotta distract 'em. (Kate looks at him) You're gonna need help working the toliet.
Kate: Gibbs….
Gibbs: Trust me, Kate, on a Sub Marine it's a very complicated mechanism.
Kate: Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?
Gibbs: I wan to check out Petty Officer Thompson.
Kate: Well, you don't have to drown me.You could just ask.
Gibbs: Hydrating good for ya'.Go, unhydrate.
Kate: Never heard it called that before.
Gibbs: Go on.

McGee: You'll wanna avoid Captain Veech…
Gibbs: What?
McGee: Um. Well. I met him once. Before. He can be very…difficult.
Gibbs: And you don't think that I can be difficult?
McGee: Ah. I'm sure you can, sir.

Gibbs: You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.

Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: Come on, Boss, you telling me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

On Gulf Stream Jet
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.

Tony: Any preference on the remaining bedrooms?
Kate: No. They're both equally crappy.

Tony: Can I drink?
Gibbs: Sure. Sarsaparilla.
Tony: Who drinks sarsaparilla?
Gibbs: Shane.

Tony: Miss me?
Paula: Like herpes.

Gibbs: Why is Special Agent DiNozzo sorry?
Paula: He blew his chance to get laid.

Gibbs: Why is it that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Tony: You were the first woman I saw in my endorphin high.
Kate: We work together, Tony. It's like a brother-sister thing.
Tony: Never had a sister.
Kate: It's probably a good thing.
Tony: Just passed Sa'id's room, sis.

Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.

Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.

Ducky: I don't see Chanel Number Five.
Abby: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Ducky: My mother does.
Abby: Really.
Ducky: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby: So… does your mother…
Ducky: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Gamal: Well, the psychiatrist examined him and is worried for his mental health.
Gibbs: I'm not all that interested in the mental health of people who want to kill me.

Kate: Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name once?
Kate: Tony, the man has been married like four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There's what, DiNozzo?

Tony: I am a man of action, Kate.
Kate: More like an action figure.
Tony: Why you want to play with me?
Kate: As in, you look good, but you can't really do very much.

Tony: This is so not right. I mean, it’s not like we couldn't have done this in daylight.
Kate: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?

Tony, Gibbs, Kate on Military Plane:
Tony: What are you looking for Kate?
Kate: Um the ladies room? (Gibbs and Tony look at Kate.)
Kate: Okay, the men's room.
Gibbs: There is no men's room.
Kate: Well then where am I supposed to go to the bathroom?
(Gibbs takes out a white plastic bag and gives it to her. Kate looks disgusted, decides she can wait. Finally gives up and snatches the bag from Gibbs.)
Kate: ****. Where?
Gibbs: Well, if you want some privacy, you can go down behind those boxes.
Kate: God, I miss Air Force One.

Kate: We screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement, and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. Knew there was a reason I liked you.

Tony: Is that a new perfume, Abby?
Abby: I made it myself. You like it?
Tony: Smells like gunpowder.
Abby: Sweet, huh?

Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah! Funny, Kate. No, they screwed up my paperwork with another agent's.
Gibbs: Apparently, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens at Area 51.
Kate: 'Cause he probably killed them.

Gibbs: Hmm. Looks like someone is deliberately blocking us.
Kate: Or a glitch; everything doesn't have to be a conspiracy against NCIS, guys.
Gibbs: Saying we're paranoid, Kate?
Kate: If the shoe fits…

Gibbs: (referencing Kate's sketch of the fake colonel) I'm impressed.
Tony: Let me see that. (flips through the caricatures) What the…?
Kate: That's personal!
Tony: Yeah, it is! You really see me like that?
Gibbs: I'm really impressed now.

Kate: What does he expect to find from their LES's?
Tony: Come on, Kate, that's like NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea, do you?
Tony: Not a clue.

Abby: Well, lucky for you, you got a mixmaster in the hizzouse.
Gibbs: What?
Tony: It means 'house.' You need to get out more, Gibbs.
Abby: Word.

Gibbs: Kate? It was three times. Not four.

Gerald: I'm sorry; I was listening to a football game.
Ducky: You're wearing a CD player.

Tony: He's really pissed off.
Kate: What? How can you tell?

Ducky: Do you people find me boring?
Gibbs: No.
Kate: Of course not.
Tony: Absolutely not.

(After running ground penetrating radar over the grave of any elderly woman and her dog, Fluffy)
Kate: Ewwwww.
Tony: That must have been one lonely old lady.
Gibbs: One pissed off poodle.

Gonzales: If I was rogue, you think I'd be sitting in this office sweating my ass off, Agent Todd?
Kate: I don't know. Let me see your ass.

Gonzales: Now I know why everyone in the CIA hates these guys.

Canton: I can't believe you trusted me.
Gibbs: You sound just like my ex-wife.

Mrs. Peary: Oh, God, what happened to your ear?
Maj. Peary: I'll live.

Gerald: My grandfather owned a funeral home. We spent a lot of quality time bonding over the embalming table.

Gibbs (referring to bad guy who has gotten away): That’s twice. Next time you are mine.

Tony: They yanked my clearance. Now I gotta take a physical to get it back.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

Kate: Hmm. Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name one.
Kate: The man's been married, like, four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There is what?
Tony: Nothing, boss, just discussing the case.
Kate: Or, ah, lack thereof. You still wanna look at those LESs?
Gibbs: I dunno. You figure out how Kidwell died yet?
Kate: I'll, um, I'll just get them in order for you.
Gibbs: Kate. It was three times. Not four.

Ducky: [performing an autopsy then Ducky jumps back in shock] Dear Lord! I believe I know how you died Major. And May the Lord have mercy on your soul!

Gibbs: I wanna know why.
Walsh: That makes two of us, Agent Gibbs. Do you think I like get Marines back in boxes?
Gibbs: Why don't we start with Major Kidwell, and Peary. How they died.
Walsh: That's need to know.
Gibbs: Trust me. I need to know!

(Tony tries unsuccessfully to pull up the records on a dead Marine)
Abby: Here's your problem.
Tony: What?
Abby: You're security clearance isn't high enough. How did he die?
Tony: That's kind of what Gibbs wants me to find out.
Abby: Then it sucks to be you.

Gibbs: If he dies, you die. You don't get past me.

Colonel: You're gonna have to figure that one out for yourself.
Gibbs: What does that sound like to you Tony?
Tony: One of the A's. CIA, NSA….

Gibbs: Morning! Sleep well?
Kate: If by well, you mean violently throwing up all night and bouncing around like rag dolls…
Tony: Then yeah, boss, we slept very well, thanks for asking.
Gibbs: Ah, you get used to it.
Kate: That's what I'm afraid of.

Gibbs: Let's go, get to work.
Ducky: I don't have a body.
Gibbs: Well, go find one, Duck.

Tony: Did you get contact lenses?
Gibbs: No.
Tony: Laser surgery?
Gibbs: No, DiNozzo, put a sock in it.

Gibbs: She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh, yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet. (voice raises to feminine pitch with sarcastic lilt) Her eyes, they just pleaded for help.
Tony: I love that look on a woman.

Tony: Speaking of dates to work from, we've worked together for two years and, you know, I have no idea where you live.
Ducky: Well, I'd just as well we kept it that way, Tony.

Abby: I suppose you want me to tell you what chastity belt this opens?
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby: Have you ever seen one? Mine's awesome. It's eighteenth-century French.

(machine in lab beeps)
Abby: Gotta whup.
Gibbs: What kind of whup, Abby?

Tony: What's with you and Jane Doe?
Kate: She'll be occupying my spare bedroom so I don't have to say no to you.

Abby: Gotcha.
Gibbs: I love to hear that word outta your dark lips, Abby.

Tony: Wanna know what my vision is?
Gibbs: No.
Tony: 20/10. Same as Ted Williams. He could see the seam on a fastball coming at him.
Gibbs: How about knuckles?

Abby: Like when photocopiers first came out, and people were copying everything from C-notes to their butts.
Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier, didn't you, Abby?
Abby: Yep.

Tony: Gibbs, this is Detective Andy Kochifis. Cut me some slack on the Major Kerry investigation.
Gibbs: Well, maybe he'll do it again.
Kochifis: What, I do it one time, now I'm a *****?
Gibbs: Courtesan, maybe.

Ducky: Jethro, I don't answer forensic questions I don't know the answers to. Why do you keep asking me?
Gibbs: (shrugs) Force of habit.

Tony: What is it with Germans and the alphabet thing? You know, BMW, BMG, BASF, and they're all B's.
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.

Bauer: I was there Friday.
Tony: To kill Richter?
Bauer: How could you ask such a question?
Tony: It's my job.

Gibbs: That son of a ***** is as guilty as hell.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused –
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

(The scene is Kate huddled in blanket, in shock, alone after the bombing)
Tony: We gotta do something, Boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or to me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: (pause) No.

Gibbs: My door's unlocked.
Tony: I know.

Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: (stops typing)
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.

Abby: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Tony: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby: (sarcastic) Shocking.

Kate: You as sure he buried her?
Gibbs: Oh Yeah!
Kate: Why'd he want her dead?
Gibbs: I got a couple of ideas.
Kate: Wanna share? (Gibbs hangs up) I guess not.

Ducky: I don't have a body.
Gibbs: Well go find one Ducky.
Ducky: Here?
Gibbs: Sure. How many times have we had multiple victims?

Abby: Like when photocopiers first came out people were copying everything from C-notes to their butts.
Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier didn't you Abby?
Abby: Yup.

Tony: She woke up taking a dirt nap in Rock Creek Park and did a Dracula.
Detective: Oh. That's a new one.

Gibbs: What'd ya got DiNozzo?
Tony: Mudos picked up a Jane Doe in Rock Creek Park. Claimed she dug herself out of a grave. No I.D. and guess what?
Gibbs: She can't remember her name.
Tony: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Gibbs: Well, uh, she's alive and you're calling her Jane Doe. What was my first clue?
Tony: Oh yeah, you're right.
Gibbs: Well it's also obvious seeing that she has no ID so she was probably wearing her uniform.
Tony: Ahaha! She wasn't. So why did the cops call NCIS? Tell me that. (Gibbs stays silent). She told 'em there was a bomb on the Navy ship.

Seaman Apprentice Sparks: Just can't stop messing with the uniforms, can they, sir?

Seaman Apprentice Sparks: I'd write a letter, sir.

Tony: Come on, come on, McGee, you said you could do this.
McGee: But I didn't say it was gonna be easy.
Tony: Actually, that's exactly what you said, only on the phone, you ended it with a 'sir.'

Tony: So whatever happened between you and Abby?
McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.
Tony: Really. Guess the tatt on the old caboose did the trick.
McGee: Among other things.

Kate: We should have had DiNozzo handle this interview. (off Gibbs' look) Just kidding.

Ducky: Well, he certainly was dead on the beach.

Tony: Don't even, okay?
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.

Tony: You got me thinking, Kate; maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When you gonna start?
Tony: What do you call this? (gestures with nutrition bar)
Kate: Bad things masquerading as something good for you.

Kate: Let's see, what do we got here. High fructose corn syrup – basically, sugar. High maltose corn syrup – another sugar. Sugar! Sugar. Fractionated palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety-eight percent artificial flavor.
Tony: So what are you saying?

Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy. And yes. We IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh, yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.

Kate: Too bad we don't have a photo.
Gibbs: Don't need one; he'll fit the profile.
Kate: A bit geeky, right?
Gibbs: (silly voice) Well, yeah, Kate, something like that.

Kate: Have you ever seen Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor?
Gibbs: Yes.
Kate: That's a geek I could get covert with.
Gibbs: Kate, I would not get my hopes up.

Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs. The same agency you haven't heard of before. Only I don't take it personally any more.

Kate: With the exception of finding a decent barber, Gibbs can do pretty much anything he says he can.

Worth: I stumbled across her by accident. She was polar tanning.
Kate: (off Gibbs' look) Nude winter sunbathing.
Gibbs: Must get cold.
Worth: She was, sir.
Kate: And you think that's an appropriate use for a billion-dollar satellite, Jeremy?

Abby: Hey, Gibbs. Do you wanna feel Tony's forearm?
Gibbs: I'll pass.

Kate: Want me to handle it? At least I won't drool.
Gibbs: No. No, DiNozzo took a wave for the team.
Tony: Thanks, Boss.

Gym Manager: Gym's for base personnel only
Tony: Well, I wasn't really planning on working out.
Gym Manager: Obviously.

Gibbs: I try so hard not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
Kate: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.

Gibbs: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I, Kate?
Kate: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.

Gina: Just really hate tan lines. Don't you?
Gibbs: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about it.

Kate: ****! And they were good suspects.

Tony: Her husband was diving on someone else's reef…dipping the fin in the company pool…pinging the wrong pong…

Kate: Wait, wait, wait, you could see that the clubs were left-handed from just a passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left-handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull open with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate: Just because she golfs left-handed doesn't mean she is left-handed. I golf left-handed, but I bat and I throw right-handed.
Tony: So you go both ways.

Tony: Apparently, Ms. I-Don't-Like-Tan-Lines has found something she does like. Me.

Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (laughing) Really? Female hard body who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?

Gibbs: Well, she better be getting the message soon, or you're gonna be getting one on a pink slip.

Kate: You know, I bet this is why Number Two came after you with a nine iron, wasn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually, that wasn't it at all.
Kate: Oh. So, what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

Kate: (To Tony after he's "taken a wave for the team) Are you okay?
(No reply from Tony – he just stands there with a stunned expression)
Kate: What is it?
Gibbs: (Visibly amused) Shrinkage

Gibbs: We have the same uncle to write the paychecks. We do what we have to do to get the job done.

Jeremy Worth: I got a little off track
Gibbs: That happens with hot babes sometimes.

Gibbs: DiNozzo has found our polar bear.

Abby: I think Houston has a problem.

Kate: We know the killer was left handed, which eliminates Commander Tyler whose service file confirms she's a rightie.
Tony: We also know the killer's a woman unless Obermaier went Norman Bates on the guy. Actually, when you think about it the MO's match. (Makes stabbing motion at Kate's back)
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Kate: (turns) What'd you do?

Kate: Your phone has been ringing off the hook. It's driving him crazy.
Tony: Well she is driving me crazy.
Kate: She?
Tony: Apparently Miss I Don't Like Tan Lines has found something she does like. Me.
Kate: And why is that a problem?
Tony: Well let's just say that's she's a lot more appealing from a distance. A geo-synchronous distance.
Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (chuckles) Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Tony: (looks a bit surprised) I guess not.
Kate: Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: (small smile and nod)
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

Tony: You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When are you going to start?
Tony: What do you call this? (holding up nutrition bar)
Kate: Uh, bad things masquerading as something good for you?
Tony: This is a nutrition bar. It says so on the label.
Kate: Yeah. Did you read the label? A little… You know one with the ingredients not just the big one with the pretty colors?
Tony: Sarcasm is so not healthy, Kate.
Kate: Neither is that. Let's see. We've got here, high fructose corn syrup. Basically sugar. Uh, high maltose corn syrup. Another sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Uh, fractionate palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety eight percent artificial flavor.
Tony: What're you saying?

Worth: What's NCIS?
Kate: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Worth: [turns and walks away from Kate] I've got nothing to talk to you about.
[walks up the stairs and is met by Gibbs]
Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs, the same agency you haven't heard of before, only I don't take it personally any more.

Kate: We're driving to West Virginia to look at a leg?
Gibbs: Belongs to a Marine.
Tony: How can you tell from a leg?

Ducky: I'll tell you what, Gibbs. You find me a liver in that leg, and I'll estimate you a time of death.

Tony: I don't get the whole tattoo thing.
Kate: I'll add that to the ever-growing list of things you don't get.
Tony: Being stuck with a needle thousands of times for a piece of artwork? No thank you.
Kate: It's more than just artwork, Tony.
Tony: On a woman, maybe.
Kate: What?
Tony: You know, on a woman. Means she's up for anything.
Kate: Abby's got tattoos.
Tony: No comment.

Abby: I like that commercial where the guy puts Super Glue in his hardhat, then glued his head to the beam and hung there. I tried that with my little brother.
Ducky: I sense this anecdote doesn't have a storybook ending.
Abby: It does if you like your stories to end with bald seven-year-olds. He still gets mad when I call him Kojak.

Gibbs: All we've got is a tattooed leg, a sock and a boot.
Abby: You're forgetting about our interesting little bit of botanical evidence.
Gibbs: Oh, that, yeah, that. Well, I want the life history, family, where it grew up.
Abby: College transcripts, I know.

Tony: I do believe the die is cast, however; if your parents and grandparents lived to be old, so will you.
Gibbs: I had an aunt who died at seven.
Tony: Just a theory.

Abby: You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Ducky: What?
Abby: They're clowns.

Gibbs: I do not believe in coincidences.
Abby: What about that rock formation on the moon that looks like Jay Leno's chin?

Abby: Cremation? It's a dead end!

Tony: Abs, do you know where Kate has her tat?
Abby: Yep.

Melissa Dorn: You have all the classic traits of a firstborn: confident, pays attention to detail, perfectionist. Difficulty sharing.
Gibbs: Guilty, guilty, guilty… depends.

Melissa Dorn: You know Chinese. Any other hidden talents I should know about?
Gibbs: I can sample the frosting on a cake without leaving a fingerprint.

Tony: What good is it being an armed Federal agent if you can't drive fast?
Kate: You get to shoot bad guys.

Gibbs: Any more tattoos?
Tony: Just the rose on Kate's butt.
Gibbs: It's not a rose.

Gibbs: Gunny Vestman. Special Agent Gibbs. N.C.I.S.
Vestman: Recall an M.P. Gibbs. Lejeune. Long time ago.
Gibbs: Could be.
Vestman: He was high and tight.
Gibbs: (runs a hand through his hair) Not exactly long and shaggy, Gunny.
Vestman: Seen sheep dogs shorter.

Kate: You should have seen Gibbs with Melissa.
Tony: He threatened to shoot her?
Kate: Just the opposite, he was flirting with her. I didn't think he had it in him.
Tony: Well he had it in him at some point. He has been married three times. All red heads.
Kate: But Melissa is a red head.
Tony: That explains it.
Kate: So is that women who picks him up now and then. Who is she?
Tony: Not a clue.

Gibbs: What's wrong?
Abby: Look at it.
Gibbs: Looks like a match.
Abby: Precisely.
Gibbs: Good work, Abby.
Abby: No, it's not! You gave me 2 samples form the same tree. B matched and A didn't. I screwed up.
Gibbs: Sycamore A was from a tree down the street.
Abby: What?!
Gibbs: The idea of matching plant DNA was a bit…hinky for me.
Abby: Oh, ye of little faith!
Gibbs: Abby, c'mon! All I did was give you a blind test.
Abby: Well, you could've done that by not telling me which sample was from the suspect's sycamore!
Gibbs: I didn't think of that.
(Abby whacks him)

Gibbs: Why are all these dolls naked?
Tony: Don't look at me boss. It must be a Goth thing.

Gibbs: Technically Marines save lives. Through use of superior fire power.

Gibbs: (in derelict building) Hey DiNozzo, this kind of reminds me of your apartment. Except for the minty fresh urine smell.

Tony: Gibbs gets dress blue Charlie's and I look like one of the Village People.

Kate: You think his recruiter told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Kate:Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs, and getting away with it?

Gibbs: Can we hurry it up. Don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Ducky: You knew the man?
Gibbs: Nope.
(Gibbs leaves)
Ducky: (to the corpse) If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute best we have.

Kate: Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands have an ounce of adrenaline left.
Tony: Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.
Kate: It would help if the investigators didn't PUKE all over the crime scene.
Gibbs: Brings back memories.
Kate: Memories of what?
Gibbs: Marriage.

Kate: We can get the trajectory, no problem.
Tony: The competition's gonna be for the bullet.
Ducky: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen isn't going to be much use there. The bullet passed clean through.
Gibbs: Then I suggest we help our "good friends", the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole.
Tony: (to Ducky) Scalpel.
Gibbs: Kate, find the bullet.

Tony: You know if this works, Abs, you're a genius.
Abby: Oh Tony, tell me something I don't know.
Tony: I once dated my high school music teacher.
Abby: Really? What was his name.
Tony: (fake laugh) Cute.

Tony: Well, you think I could pass for a marine?
Gibbs: I don't know, let's shave your head and find out.

Kate: You really think we're going to get any potential recruits today?
Gibbs: Yup.
Kate: A man was murdered here three days ago. Who'd choose today to decide to join up?
Gibbs: A marine.

Tony: Is there a reason why you pulled all of their heads off, Abs?
Abby: It's so we know that we've checked them.
Tony: Yeah, but the one with the round and sitting practically on top. You emptied the entire box.
Abby: Well… It was kinda fun.
Tony: And they're naked.
Abby: Shh! I am about to perform my first autopsy.

Gibbs: Go get 'em, Tony!

Tony: We'll strip search the roaches, boss.

Kate: What's up?
Tony: This whole sensitivity to women in the workplace thing? Backfired.
Kate: What are you talking about?
Tony: I'm talking about the way we divide our tasks. I always get the floor. Up close and personal, floors are scummy.
Kate: It's no big deal, Tony, I would've done it.
Tony: Haha. But you didn't.
Kate: Floors are scummy.
Tony: My point exactly. You would never volunteer to take the floor, I would have to suggest it. Then I would be met by lots of comments about my chauvinism and insensitivity.
Kate: Ha. I don't need a floor for that.
Tony: Cute, but my point is in order for me to be PC, I've got to take the floor.
(Kate spots a few cockroaches in the cupboard)
Kate: You want me to take the floor?
Tony: Ah, you're just saying that to humor me.
Kate: No, you have a point. And if it bothers you that much, I'll take the floor. I insist.
Tony: Thanks.
Kate: No problem.
(Tony sees the cockroaches)
Tony: Oh!

Kate: Did you have fun last night?
Tony: Oh, yeah. Got in around 4am and ah, filed evidence for another hour.
Kate: Really. Was Gibbs with you?
Tony: Oh, man, thanks for reminding me. I'd better call him, make sure he's up.
Gibbs: Hey. You're late.
Tony: And a good morning to you, sir.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, where's my bullet?
Tony: Hopefully in this box or the wall behind it. Got your knife on you, boss?
Gibbs: Rule number nine.
Gibbs/Kate: Never go anywhere without a knife.
Tony: You sure about that? I thought nine was never ask a girl her weight on the first date.
Kate: Well, that depends entirely on whether you want a second one or not, Tony.

Tony: So what was it like? … Being his superior officer.
Kate: You mean, did I get to boss him around? Make him salute me? Call me ma'am?
Tony: Basically.
Kate: It was great.
Tony: Nah, you're lying.
Kate: Am I? You know, Abby said you looked really good in your uniform too.
Tony: Did she?
Kate: Yeah. She said you'd fit right in with the biker boy, and the Indian chief, and the cowboy and all the other macho, macho men. (Walks away laughing)

Tony: Gibbs gets Dress Blue Charlies, I look like one of the Village People.
Abby: Haha. Maybe you could find a local cop and get a dance routine going.

Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment – except for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: For your information, I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies. (pause) Ow!

Tony: (to Kate about her uniform) Don't take this wrong…but you actually make that look good.

Carl: That's not how they do it on CSI.
Kate: You really have to get off that couch more, Carl.

Kate: Are you sure you know where you're going?
Gibbs: I used to do this for a living.
Tony: They had maps back then?

Tony: Do you think he'd let me borrow his uniform for the weekend?
Kate: I don't know. I just hope I'm there when you ask him.

Gibbs: "Okay, would you two, just for a sec, just pretend I don't know anything about computers?"
Abby: "Pretend?"

Gibbs: Don't say it DiNozzo.
Tony: I wasn't going to say anything.
Gibbs: Don't even think it.
Tony: (smirking) Too late.

Gibbs: Anything unusual?
Ducky: Actually it's very straightforward.
Gibbs: That's unusual in itself.

Charlie: Surprised to see me?
Gibbs: Surprised? Yeah. Surprised is one word that comes to mind.

Charlie: Jethro, I think you owe me a dinner.
Gibbs: Have you always been so shy?

Abby: You can't rush science Gibbs. You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it.

Kate: (referring to Gibbs) Why is he carrying two cups of coffee today?
Tony: I don't know. I don't wanna know. It may have something to do with one of his ex-wives.

Charley: Man, you can talk.
Ducky: Maybe over dinner?
Charley: You're cute, but you ain't that cute.
Ducky: Don't be too hasty, Charley. Fate has brought us together.
Charley: You might want to check those tarot cards one more time.

Gerald: I actually find that interesting.
Ducky: As opposed to what?

Tony: So you're saying that someone stole your urine while you weren't looking?
Suspect: (sure of herself) Yes.
Tony: And how would they do that?

Kate: Can I ask you a question, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Is this one of those questions where it's not going to matter if I say no?

Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Ducky: Cellulosic fiber, lining.
Gibbs: Wood.
Ducky: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Tony: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean… I… don't… think it's weird.

(Gibbs scares Abby by sneaking up on her)
Abby: Oh! Gibbs! Didn't your Momma teach you not to sneak up on people?
Gibbs: Obviously not.

Gibbs: Did you run it through…
Abby: Run it through AFIS?
Gibbs: Feisty and psychic.
Abby: It's a killer combination.

Abby: I had a boyfriend who snuck up on me once. He was walking funny for a week. Or I should say funnier.

Kate: I know, you're going to ask me to call the LEOs in the other county and have them send over the evidence.
Gibbs: I wasn't going to ask.

Tony: This reminds me of a case I worked once. Guy hated mailmen –
Kate: Letter carrier.
Tony: What?
Kate: They're called letter carriers, not mailmen.
Tony: Since when?
Kate: I don't think there was a specific date, Tony, it just kind of evolved.

Tony: I'll be your emergency contact.
Kate: Thanks, I'll…get somebody else.
Tony: Yeah, what's wrong with me?
Kate: Where do I start?

Kate: I wouldn't kill for my sister.
Tony: You barely even return her phone calls.

Fornell: (to Gibbs) Much as I'd like to, I'm not going to let him shoot you Gibbs.

Ducky: Sorry we took so long. Gerald got us lost. Several times.
Gerald: Me? You had the map.

Ducky: I don't suppose any of you thought to take a photo before you ran screaming from the cabin.
Tony: Hey. That was not screaming. That was yelling. Loudly.

Charles: You're under arrest.
Gibbs: For what?
Charles: Ticking off the F.B.I.
Gibbs: Get used to it.

Fornell: If you screw me on this…
Gibbs: I'll consider it a bonus.

Gibbs: You take a shot at him, you answer to me!
Fornell: I can live with that.

Tony: Today, Abbs!
Abby: Thats very Gibbs of you, Tony.
Tony: Thanks, Ive been practicing.

FBI Agent: I feel sorry for your boss.
Kate: Whys that?
FBI Agent: You obvious dont know Fornell very well.
Kate: Weve worked with him before.
Tony: We just dont particularly like him.
FBI Agent: So then you do know him.

Gibbs: Tony, touch my cell phone again and I'll break your fingers.
Tony: Where the hell are you, Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.
Gibbs: Well, it's a good thing I'm not there, then.
Tony: This is serious, he thinks you're with Colonel Ryan.
Gibbs: Well, he's smarter than he looks.

Kate: So what happened?
Tony: She broke into my apartment and filled my closet with dog crap.
Kate: Ha! Really? I knew there was a reason I liked her.
Tony: I still have her number. Maybe you two can get together and boil rabbits or something.
Kate: Not my style, Tony. I would just shoot you.
Gibbs: And that would be the reason for rule number twelve.
Kate: Rule twelve?
Gibbs: Never date a co-worker.

Ari: You omitted one condition doctor.
Ducky: Did I? Oh yes. We've not to try and trick him.
Ari: Which you did Caitlin, by saying you beat your phobia.
Ducky: But she didn't know the rules.
Ari: But you did doctor, and you joined the ruse by calling her Abby. (Shoots Gerald)

Abby: (talking to Ducky) Wow, did you wake up on the wrong side of autopsy table?

Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.
Ducky: That wasn't a condition.
Ari: It is now.

Ducky: [after Kate's failed attempt to attack Ari] Uh, could you give me a go?
Ari: I think not, Doctor. You would kill me without hesitation.

Gibbs: I want someone I know there.
Tony: That's the same as saying someone you trust. (Gibbs just smiles) Someone you depend on…….your best man? (Gibbs continues to smile) Your best man?

Ari: You won't leave here at all unless you put the box on the floor, your hands on your head, turn around, and walk back toward the door.
Gibbs: (recites along with the terrorist) …your hands on your head, turn around, and walk back toward the door. Older doesn't mean deaf.

Tony: You've never had a nightmare?
Kate: Uh uh.
Tony: Not even as a kid?
Kate: No fear of the dark or a boogey man in my closet.
Tony: Me either but the vampire in the canopy of my bed freaked me.
Kate: You had a canopy bed?
Tony: I was five. My mother was into Louis XV. It wasn't my call, Kate.
Kate: Does she still frighten you?
Tony: My mother?

Gibbs: Did your father teach you how to report?
Tony: Oh yeah. During cocktail hour, I was pouring his Macallan18, three fingers, one ice cube. You know I had to report in about my day at school give him a brief review sort of… (Gibbs looks at Tony) We bagged and tagged everything in Hasam's room.

Tony: You're more smurf than alpha geek.(Gibbs looks at Tony) …So am I according to Agent McGee.
Gibbs: You're right, Dinozzo.
Tony: I am?
Gibbs: He**, I still use a notebook and a pencil, instead of a PDQ.
Tony: It's a PDA. You can call it a Palm Pilot.
Gibbs: It desn't matter what I call it if i can't use it!
Tony: I'll teach you.
Gibbs: You'll teach me? McGee teaches you! You teach me! It's backwards! I need coffee.
Kate: What was that all about?
Tony: Gibbs' bete noire.

Tony: Aspirin, nasal spray, breath freshener, tea. Hasam drank a wimpy Darjeeling from northern Kashmir. I prefer the darker more robust flavor of tea from the Brama Kutra area in northeast India where they actually take the leaf and they rake it…
Gibbs: Tony.
Tony: …with a small… Yeah boss?
Gibbs: You nervous?

Abby: You worried?
Tony: Oh… nah.
Abby: Yeah me too.

Gibbs: How is Gerald?
Ducky: He'll be in rehab for months. I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.

Tony: This guy was way into reality shows. Real World. Simple Life, Punk'd…
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Jeez, Gibbs, even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: Punk'd is an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera?
Tony: What's Candid Camera?

Abby: There's this guy who does this workout just before he goes out, so he's really pumped.
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know?
(Gibbs laughs – nastily)

Abby: Do you have any fetishes?
Gibbs: I have three ex-wives. I can't afford any fetishes.

Abby: You know you love it when I talk tech.

Abby: Latex is, um, very popular in, uh, certain… circles.
Gibbs: Yeah? What kind of circles?
Abby: Gibbs, I dunno if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities.
Gibbs: Oh, I'll stop you.
Abby: Okay… maybe he was wearing a latex hood, like bondage gear, S&M fetish. I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon -…
Gibbs: Okay, you can stop.
Abby: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other painted green, wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying "Go Packers!"
Gibbs: Abs, it's apples and oranges.
Abby: There's a fetish for that, too.

Tony: Stories are pretty consistent.
Gibbs: A little too consistent.
Tony: You think they're lying?
Gibbs: I think they're well-rehearsed.

Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby: Absolutely… unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Tony: What're we looking for?
Gibbs: Answers. (Gibbs walks away)
Tony: You got plans tonight?
Kate: Not really.
Tony: Good. 'Cause the last time Gibbs was like this, I didn't go home for a week.
Kate: The sad part? That would actually be an improvement over my social life.

Kate: Never put anything on videotape that you don't want to be seen.
Tony: Just ask Paris Hilton.

Tony: Yeah. Wonder what they were looking for.
Kate: Wonder if they found it.
Gibbs: I wonder when you two are gonna stop yakking and get to work.

Abby: I had this boyfriend once – not the balloon guy – but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. I mean, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock…
Gibbs: Abby?
Abby: Yes?
Gibbs: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky.

Tony: Have you ever been in a men's room before?
Kate: No. Have you?

Ducky: I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.

Gibbs: Funny thing about stereos… You can't hear the music unless the speakers are connected.

Tony: Any idea what this stuff is?
Kate: Of course!
Tony: What?
Kate: Evidence.

Gibbs: We gonna jump through any legal hoops?
Abby: Oh, that's kind of a gray area.
Gibbs: How gray?
Abby: Charcoal.

Tony: It's kinda ironic.
Antwane: What?
Tony: You run a hair salon and you're bald.
Antwane: I'm not bald.
Tony: Well then you're taller than your hair.

Gibbs: Still waiting for the odd part.
Ducky: Someone dressed him after he was killed.
Gibbs: That's odd.

SEAL Commander: Agent Gibbs do you know what its like to spend every free moment dreaming about being home again, hugging your wife, hearing your kids laugh; only to come home and learn its all gone.
Gibbs: It doesn’t justify murder.

Kate: Bananas, they are the closest thing to not being a fruit that a fruit can be.

McGee is peering around the corner at Gibbs
Gibbs: What the hell are you doing.
McGee gets flustered
Gibbs: Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee

Abby: 'Is there anything you can't find?'
McGee: 'A way to shut up DiNozzo'

Abby: "That's what I love about you Gibbs, always one finger ahead."

Abby: "Stained glass. That's very spiritual Gibbs."

Gibbs: "He could have gone to a vet."
Kate: "Tony's marking that territory."
Tony: "Ha ha. Cute."

Gibbs: Everyone has a cellphone, I have a cellphone

Tony: "Houston. The cell phone has landed."

Kate: You were a boy scout?
Tony: Cub.
Kate: What did they kick you out for?
Tony: Trying to score Brownie points.

Tony: It's three in the morning and you hear a strange noise in your house. What do you do?
Kate: Slide a pistol from under my pillow and then go after the guy.
Tony: We're talking about real people, Kate. Why do they always feel they need to go and look?

(discussing a prisoner from Leavenworth)
Tony: Do we know what this guy was in for?
Gibbs: Same thing I'm gonna be if you don't get your a** moving.
Tony: Right. (whispering to Kate) Murder.
Kate: And you didn't even use a lifeline.

Gibbs: Kate get you the stuff from Curtin's cell?
Abby: It's on its way. Kate rules.
Gibbs: I thought Abby ruled.
Abby: Good women don't mind sharing a throne, Gibbs.

(Tony brings in a lawyer in handcuffs)
Gibbs: Subtle, DiNozzo.
Tony: Shooting him just seemed so hand-fisted.
Gibbs: Whatever works.

(seeing Gibbs talking to a woman at the elevator)
McGee: Who's that?
Tony: Good question.Ask him.
Gibbs: (enters) Dropping off my glasses.
McGee: Sir…..boss…..
Gibbs: Yeah, McGee?
McGee: It was good working with you again.
Gibbs: Same here, McGee.
Mcgee: (starts to leave, then to Gibbs) Uh, by the way, there's something that Tony and Kate have been meaning to ask you.

Gibbs: Uncuff him so he can say hello to an old friend.
Coleman: I prefer him in cuffs!
Diego: Wish I'd have known when we were at JAG.

Diego: I'm gonna own your house, DiNozzo.
Tony: I rent.

Diego: Afraid you put an innocent in Leavenworth, Faith?
Coleman: Yes. But innocent or not, I still kicked your a**.

Kate: For the sake of argument, lets say he's innocent.
Tony: Why?
Gibbs: Because I said so.
Tony: Inocent, sure, why not.

Gibbs: What the he** are you doing?
McGee: Umm…
Gibbs: Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee?
McGee: NCIS investigator was Special Agent Clay Williamson, Sir.
Gibbs: That's a good sentence.

McGee: You enjoy this don't you.
Tony: Having fun at your expense?
McGee: Yeah.
Tony: Really a lot.

Gibbs: Are you on a roll?
Abby: Aren't I always?

Abby: You rule
Gibbs: I know…but remind me why?

Abby To McGee: Whatever you do, do not lie. Gibbs is like Santa Claus, he knows if you've been naughty.

Tony: (answering Kate's phone) Special Agent Todd's desk. I'm sorry she's stepped
away.
Kate: (returning to her desk) Dinozzo.
Tony: May I ask who's calling? Um, one moment. (Kate grabs the phone) Dwayne?
Kate: I do have voice mail.
Tony: What fun is that?

Kate: You really need to get a social life of your own.
Tony: Oh I have a social life.
Kate: What's tonight, Celebrity Mole?
Tony: No, Best of Jacka**.

(Kate spots Tony eavsdropping on her call)
Kate: (to Gibbs) Permission to shoot him?
Gibbs: Uh-huh.

Gibbs: Problem?
Kate: Well, you really want to do that to McGee? Special Agent Bligh…(gesturing to Tony)…here is going to eat him alive.
Tony: McGee looks up to me, as a mentor.
Kate: Ugh.
Gibbs: You want to be stuck in a cramped apartment with DiNozzo? Be my guest.
Kate: On the other hand, it'll help McGee build character.

[as Amanda starts to escape]
Tony Stop him! Stop him!
McGee: Stop her! Stop her!

Kate: I'm warning you DiNozzo, don't even go there.
(Kate leaves)
Tony: We've gotta go there. Any ideas, McGee?
McGee: No.
Tony: Well, don't worry. I've got plenty.
McGee: You realize that any prank we play on Kate we'll also be pulling on Gibbs?
Tony: That's a problem.
McGee: Unless…nah.
Tony: What?
McGee: Well, I was thinking. Since she is expecting something, maybe we should do nothing.
Tony: …That's brilliant. It'll drive her nuts trying to figure out what we did, that we didn't do. You're all right McGee.

Gibbs: (to Tony about information) Are you going to spit it out, or do I have to waste my coffee on your head?

Tony: Rush hour. I mean its not like anyone is rushing anywhere and it always takes more than a hour. They should call it–
Gibbs: How about 'Sit there and shut up before I shoot you' hour.
Tony: I was thinking something shorter. [Tony starts slurping his drink, Gibbs grabs it and throws it out his window.] That's littering.
Gibbs: Fine me.

Kate: So how big was his unit?
Abby: We could ask him… but, men tend to lie about that.

Kate: Where are you going?
Abby: Gibbs didn't tell you?
Kate: Tell me what?
Abby: I have a party to go to.
Kate: How did you get them to agree to that?
Abby: I asked him.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, you call in in every hour, you forget one time, call in late…don't bother coming back.

Gibbs: Tony does his best work when there's not an audience around.
Abby: I got a weird feeling.
Gibbs: Abs, you always got a weird feeling…
Abby: Yeah, but this time is different.
Gibbs: He can take care of himself.
Abby: What do you think, Kate.
Kate: I think you're just suffering from the affects of your party last night.
Abby: All I drank was Red Bull.
Kate: How many?
Abby: (pauses) Eighteen.

Sako: (yelling) Where the hell are you!?
Kate: Thank God, Tony's still alive.
(Gibbs looks at Kate baffled)
Kate: Who else you know pisses off people like that?
(Gibbs shrugs and smiles in a "yeah" sort of way)

Tony: Gibbs! What are you doing here?
Gibbs: I'm rescuing you, Tony!

Tony: (looks up at barred window that leads outside, with an almost wild look on his face, and whispers) My father was right, I am gonna end up in the gutter.

Tony: Admit it, you were worried about me. (no response) You don't have to say it, I know. (still no response) Okay, I want you to say it.You do care right? (elevator doors open and Gibbs walks out) So…..are you saying you don't care?
Gibbs: (stops) Tony, as far as I'm concerned (taps his cheeks), you're irreplaceable.
Tony: I knew it (laughs a little). I knew behind the whole marine thing you really are at heart–
Gibbs: Forget it McGee he's still alive.

Gunny: Unless you're a blacksmith, I'm pretty much screwed here.
Tony: You need to think positive, Gunny.
Gunny: You're right. I'm positive I'm screwed.

Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?
Kate: Or do you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!
Tony: I think I'm going to puke.
Gibbs: Roll down a window!
(phone rings)
Gibbs: (hands phone to Kate) Here, answer this.
Abby: Hey, Gibbs, it's me, Abby. I got a…
Kate: It's Kate.
Abby: Hey Kate, where's the boss man?
Kate: He's driving. We should be back soon.
Abby: Is he taking you on one of his special short cuts?
Kate: If that's what you want to call it. What's up?
Abby: Well, Gibbs asked me to do some background on Atlas and Sacco, and I found something interesting.
Kate: You're gonna have to speak up. Gibbs is apparently trying to kill us!

Kate: Look, just don't take any chances, Ok? If we're right about Sacco, he's got more than a screw loose.
Tony: Aw, and here I was thinking you didn't care.
Kate: It's not about caring. If anything happens to you, I'm gonna get stuck here working with Gibbs alone.
Tony: Aw, he's not that bad.
Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo! You still here?
Tony: Then again, you may be on to something.

Kate: Tony, you are so lucky you didn't have sisters growing up.
Tony: Why's that?
Kate: Because youd never have reached puberty. Of course, one could argue you still haven't reached it.

Kate: You were pretty tough with her.
Gibbs: She reminds me of my ex-wife.
Tony: Which one?
Gibbs: All of them!

Tony: (Talking about ATF Agent) I really liked her
Kate: An ATF Agent involved in illegal weapons and murder. What's not to like?
Tony: Don't be so quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, my instincts told me that she had good qualities as well
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt would they?

(Abby is making a fake ID for Gibbs)
Gibbs: Abs, leave a few gaps, don't make it so neat.
Abby: Please Gibbs, I've been making fake IDs since I was 15.

Tony: He said you could use his computer?
McGee: Uh huh.
Tony: Really? You know, when mine fried, he wouldn't let me touch his.
Gibbs: 'Cause your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.

Tony: You weren't going to let her shoot me were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: (unconvincingly) Yeah.

(Team, discussing the hard drive)
Abby: "…its just a matter of Humpty Dumptying it."
Tony: "I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again?"
Kate: "That's because the King only had horses and men." (she and Abby share a look)

Abby: It's not like they have any new ideas. It's just so…
Ducky: The song remains the same?
Abby: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference.

(Abby developing an undercover ID for Tony)
Tony: How about some time in Leavenworth?
Abby: Whats the crime?
Tony: Something that fits my persona.
Abby: How about violation of federal obscenity laws?
Tony: That's funny.

Tony: Aww, you don't know much about dating, do ya?
Kate: Huh, why don't you enlighten me?
Tony: Well, there's always one phony break-up, that proceeds the real break-up. Everyone knows that. (He tweaks Kate's nose.)

Gibbs: Let’s pretend we don’t know anything.
Tony: Not much of a stretch.

McGee: (about 'hinky'') It's a made up word.
Abby: All words are made up words.
McGee: Well, I think it's stupid.
Abby: Then maybe I just shouldn't say anything.
McGee: Fine!
Abby: Fine!

Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?
Kate: Get a search warrent for the servers.
Gibbs: Don't have time for a warrent. What's a quicker way?
Kate: Hack in the server.
(Gibbs smiles)
Kate: I can't believe I just said that.I would have never suggested that before I started working here.
Gibbs: You're welcome.

Gibbs: Looks like we're back to square one.
Ducky: I don't seem to have been much help.
Gibbs: That's okay, Duck.DiNozzo there sure enjoyed the ice cream.
Ducky: Well, if I have any brainstorms….
Gibbs: Yeah, we'll be here.
Kate: I wish I had a better idea of how all the rappelling stuff worked.It might be easier to figure out what happened.
Tony: I have…..kinda of a crazy idea!
Kate: Mmm, those are never comforting words coming from you.
(Gibbs and Tony share a look)
Kate: What?
(cuts to Gibbs hooking Kate up to a harness and Tony waiting below)
Kate: No! No way!
Gibbs: You'll do fine. Alright, push this down and clamp it onto your harness, like that.There we go.
Kate: Okay, remind me, this is going to help us solve the case again because…..
Tony: It's fun!
Gibbs:You want to understand what happened. This is how we understand.
(Kate cries as they ride up) Tony: You used to protect the president?
Gibbs: Gotta check you're harness. (Turns her around and adjust the harness) How does that feel?
Kate: (looks down) Like I'm about to throw up.
Gibbs: Face me. (Turns her around) DiNozzo, you're on belay.
Tony: Don't worry, Kate, I got your back.
Kate: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, Tony.
Gibbs: Okay, guide hand right here. Brake hand, you want to stop, clamp down on this, put your thumb right at the center of your butt.
Tony: All set down here, Boss.
Gibbs: Remember what I told ya'?
Kate: Todd on repel.
Tony: DiNozzo on belay.
Gibbs: You ready?
Kate: You know, Gibbs, I think I kind got the gist of it now. It's fine—
(Gibbs pushes her off. Kate cries out and hangs in the air a minute.)
Gibbs: You're doing great.
(She rides the rest of the way down screaming.)
Kate: (Lands in front of Tony) Cool.

Gibbs: (Tony sees a car in the victim's garage) You're not gonna start giving me all the vital stats on this car, are you?
Tony: Thunderball. She's got a…
Gibbs: Let me rephrase that, DiNozzo. You're *not* going to give me the vital stats on this car.

Gibbs: (to a suspect) Your track record for the truth is unimpressive.

Abby: Woah, Gibbs! I dig 'em!
Gibbs: Tell DiNozzo.

Abby: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No.
Abby: Didn't think so.

Abby: Which keep getting longer as you age, whether or not you wear earrings, so you might as well wear them.
Gibbs: This you can do?
McGee: I just need a couple hours to put it on your hard drive.
Gibbs: Okay, that's worth a hall pass. I'll call Norfolk. (to Abby) He stay at your place?
Abby: Yep.
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee? (enters bathroom without waiting for answer)
McGee: (looks at Abby) Coffin? Well…you…you said it was a box sofa bed.
Abby: Well…it is…sort of.
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on! (scoffs) I can't believe I slept in a coffin.
Abby: (shrugs) Not just slept.

Gibbs: Rule number seven: Always be specific when you lie.

Gibbs: I want you to profile a terrorist.
Kate: What terrorist?
Gibbs: The one you couldn't stab.

Kate: Gibbs, what is it with your hair?
Gibbs: What's wrong with my hair?
Kate: Nothing, your hair is…you.
Gibbs: Yeah. Thank you.

Kate: Tony, I'm worried about him.
Tony: Gibbs? That's like worrying about Jim Bowie in a knife fight.
Kate: Bowie died at the Alamo.
Tony: I know. I saw the movie.

Kate: Gibbs surprised me at DC Beans today. He brought me coffee and then drilled me about that terrorist like it was yesterday not months ago.
Tony: Wow, that is serious. He's never bought me coffee.

Gibbs: Tony comes back, put him under house-arrest.
McGee: Me?

Tony: Hey Boss. McGee said you wanted to see me. (pauses, no reaction from Gibbs, just a stare) Actually, he said I was under house-arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.
Gibbs: Do I need to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Tony: Up to my knees?
Gibbs: Ah, so you're familiar with this creek.

Tony: Want to give her a paddle?
McGee: Huh?
Tony: It has to do with the creek Kate and I are up.

Gibbs: I want it TODAY! (walks away)
McGee: Wow!
Tony: Kate's right, I think Gibbs is losing it. You don't really think he meant today, do you?
(McGee nods his head)
Tony: Oh man! (shakes his head and arms furiously)

Ari Haswari: Oh, many women find me charming.
Kate: You must pay them well.

Ducky: I wonder if the college should be informed.
Tony: Would they want to name him an honored alumni?

Ari: Women should never get involved in politics; it’s a waste of beauty.

Fornell: This guy's been a sleeper his whole life.
Gibbs: I'd like to put him in a coma.

Fornell: (takes a drink of Gibbs' bourbon and winces) Now I know why you keep it with the paint strippers.
Gibbs: It's 125 proof.

Kate: Scary scenarios' keep popping into my head.Like you're here to fire me or tell me I'm going undercover has DiNozzo's wife.

DiNozzo: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I was working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight a**?
DiNozzo: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
DiNozzo: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
DiNozzo: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
DiNozzo: Boss… You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

Kate: Tony. He's fixated on that terrorist.
Tony: Not fixated; determined. Like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive. Like the Duke in The Searchers. Mel Gibson in Payback.
Kate:You ever read a book?