Tony- "Palmer, how’s ‘Blacklung’ sound?"
Palmer (taken aback)-"Like a painful, horrible way to die."
Tony- "I mean as your codename."
Palmer (grins)-"Oh, I like it! Yeah… "

Mike: Ahhh! D*****!
Gibbs: Hey! You say something?
Mike: Four months and you still don't understand the meaning of the word 'siesta' Probie?
Gibbs: Roofs not gonna fix itself, Mike.Tropical storm seasons only a few weeks away.
Mike: You ever stop to think that I might like rain?
Gibbs: Yeah just maybe not inside your house.
Mike: Don't you have a boat to build or something?
Gibbs: Well, the problem with that, Mike, is I'm using all my good lumber to fix your dogrot house.
Mike: I got a better idea why don't you use it to build your own somewhere down there. (gestures down the beach)
Gibbs: Hey you just say the word and I'll be gone.
Mike: Don't tempt me, Jethro. I ain't nearly drunk enough.But until then I was thinking your next project would be a nice little hot, say yea big, say right over there.
Gibbs: You want Teque or Red Wood?
Bartender: Hola, gentlemen.
Mike: Gentlemen? She can't be talking to you and me gunny?
Bartender: You,o.Senior Gibbs, si.I hope youre not letting him work you too hard.
Gibbs: Nah.
Mike: He's livng her for free, what does he expect?
Bartender: Perhaps someday he will tell us.
Mike: Hey! How much to I owe ya'?
Bartender: Twenty-five American.And you have a phone call.
Mike: Okay. (goes to take phone)
Bartender: Not you.Leroy Jethro
Gibbs (whilst MB is redialling the caller): Who is it?
MB: A woman. And she sounded pretty upset.
Franks: Its probably that lady director of yours having a nervous breakdown.
(Gibbs takes the phone): Yeah. Gibbs.
Ziva (in Washington): Hola! Er…How's Mexico?
Gibbs: Ziva! How'd you get this number?
Ziva: Abby. And if it helps, I forced it out of her.
Gibbs: No, it doesn't. What's wrong?
Ziva: Why does something always have to be wrong? Can't I just speak with an old friend? Do a little catching up?
Gibbs: Today, Ziva.
Ziva: OK (Sighs) I may be in a little bit of trouble.
Gibbs: Yeah? Define "little."
Ziva: I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.
Gibbs: Geez…. What'd you do?
Ziva: I did nothing, Gibbs. I swear…I did nothing.
Gibbs: Where's DiNozzo?
Ziva:… he can't help me.
Gibbs: Well you should talk to Jenny. Jenny can help you.
Ziva: I can't.
Gibbs: Ziva, look, I'm retired! I'm three thousand miles away. What do you think I can do that they can't do?
Ziva: Honestly, I don't know. I was..ah.. hoping… maybe… save me? (rubs finger across her nose, sniffs, tears trickling down face)
Gibbs rubs his hand over his eyes, cuts the call, shaking his head.

Round table, secret meeting in the autopsy room.
Tony: "First off, this is a strictly voluntary thing. Ziva's a fugitive. Anyone caught helping or assisting her in any way will be in serious trouble."
Palmer (raising his hand): "um…By serious, you mean …you could, like, get fired?"
Ducky: "He means, Mr Palmer, that instead of attending medical school next month, you'll most likely will be in prison."
Palmer: "Oh."
Abby (slamming hand down on table): "I'm in!"
Ducky: "Danger, intrigue, a damsel in distress…I'm actually looking forward to it."
McGee: "Me too."
Palmer: "Um…I'm not exactly the type that would do well in prison, guys."
Tony: "No one's going to think any less of you, if you want out, Palmer."
Palmer: "Really?"
Tony: "Well, no. They probably would. At least I know I would."
Palmer: "OK then. I want a code name: something really cool sounding."
Tony: "Alright. No one can know about this, especially the Director. We all good with that?" (everyone nods)

Tony: "You listen to Yanni. And you have an unauthorized game on your computer."
McGee: "Okay, it's your game Tony."
Tony: "You shouldn't have beaten my high score."

Tony: "That's not my point! Six months ago you were convinced that I killed a woman and chopped off her legs!"
Sacks: "Well, I'm still not convinced that you didn't."
Tony: "Exactly."
Sacks: "So, Ziva David is being framed… by who?"
Tony: "Well, that's what I intend to find out."
Sacks: "Hah! Good luck with that."

Ducky: "Then there's only one thing for you to do."
Tony: "I know. I'll let the Director know that they're probably dead and resign for disobeying a direct order."
Ducky: "You'll do nothing of the sort, Anthony DiNozzo!"
Tony: "Now why is that?"
Ducky: "Because the man that did that is still out there and I'll be damned if we'll let him get away with it."
Tony: "What would Gibbs do? Right? I've got a bulletin for you Ducky. I'm not Gibbs."
Ducky: "No, you're not. Gibbs quit. You're still here."
Tony: "Why wasn't I with Ziva? I turned over my responsibility to him without even thinking about it."
Ducky: "Gibbs is one of the most capable agents…"
Tony: "Was, Ducky! You didn't see him. I mean it didn't even look like Gibbs. I think he went native down there."
Ducky: "Um, Tony…"
Tony: "I mean his hair is all long and crazy looking. And he's got this scraggly looking beard, he looks like a pirate or something! His eyes were all bloodshot, probably from drinking hooch from morning til night with Franks."
Gibbs: "It's called the Red Eye for a reason."

Tony: "Let's roll. Hey, no, this is my team now, Gibbs. My rules. And DiNozzo's Rule #1 is I don't sit on the sidelines when my people are in trouble. You got a problem with that? Just remember whose got a badge and who is a civilian."
Gibbs: "Done?" (He headslaps Tony)
Tony: "Yeah."
Gibbs: "I was going to say get McGee and I'll meet you there."
Tony: "You know I could arrest you for striking a Federal officer."
Gibbs: "I know that."
Tony: "Alright. Just so you know."

Ziva: "I've been with NCIS for a year. I'm not just a killer anymore. I'm an investigator. Now can I go home?"

McGee: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for murder?
Tony: Yes, it is, and thank you for bringing up that painful memory, McGee.
Ziva: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't–
Tony: I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.
Ziva: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.
Gibbs: That true, Tony?
Tony: When I need to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.
Tony: I thought you might be needing this. [Gibbs takes Tony's coffee] Uh, I meant the NCIS cellphone…boss.
Gibbs: Do I still look like your boss?
Tony: Well, maybe if you shaved. Haircut wouldn't hurt either. [Gibbs laughs] Yeah, the smile thing's definitely throwing me off too! Gibbs: Nice to see you again, McGee.
Tony: DiNozzo.
Gibbs: What'd I say?
Ziva: You called him McGee.
Gibbs: Mmm. That's probably because if I had left him in charge you (Ziva) you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.
Tony: But you do remember?
Gibbs: That I left you in charge? Yeah, I remember, what I forgot was your taste in coffee.It stinks.
McGee: Tony, what if we lie?
Tony: Sacks is a self-centered, egotistical, jackhole, but he's not an idiot.He'll know.
McGee: No, I mean lie on the bolo.Instead of looking for a rouge Mossad spy wanted for murder, we put out a bolo for a wife beater.
Tony: It's underhanded and devious.
Abby: And it's completly getting me hot.
Tony: Glad to see I'm finally rubbing off on him.

Tony: Very professional.
Sacks: Your director kicked us both out.
Tony: Only because you couldn't keep your soud cooler shut.
Sacks: Well, your Mossad Liason Officer killed two FBI Agents today.Sorry if that ticks me off!
Tony: Where's your proof?
Sacks: Proof? Car abandoned at the crime scene, Asarian was on their most wanted list, she's disapeared! And oh yeah, her brother was a Hamas terroist.
Tony: Where I come from, that's called circumstansial.
Sacks: Really.Where's that? Narnia? (pause) It's a fantasy movie.The Chronicles of Narnia.
Tony: I know what it is! Okay story, excellent special effects.
Sacks: They were defintly kicking.

Tony: I don't remember asking your opinon, Officer David.
Ziva: You see? He's been completly insuferable since you left.
Gibbs: That true, Tony?
Tony: When I need to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Hmmm, maybe you were the right man for the job.
Jenny: [to Tony and Sacks] You two up here, now!
Tony: Director, would you please tell agent Slacks…
Sacks: Sacks, it's Sacks!
Tony: Would you please tell agent Slacks that we're gonna be handling this one in house?
Jenny: I just assured your director that the FBI will be getting NCIS's complete cooperation in this matter.
Sacks: Thank you, ma'am.
Jenny: If Ziva attends to contact your or anyone on your team, I want you to notify both myself and agent Sacks, immediately!
Tony: This is a complete…
Jenny: This is an order from your Director, agent DiNozzo… Is that clear enough for you?
Tony: Almost crystal, ma'am.
Tony: What did I tell you about worrying Probie?
Lee: That it's your job.
Tony: See… you're learning.
Tony: (watching the news) Federal authorities! They mean us. Four stinkin' letters – NCIS!
Jenny: It's either that story, Tony, or the FBI charges you with interfering in their investigation.
Tony: I can live with "Federal Authorities."
Sacks: No hard feelings. I get it.
Tony: No I was going to say I still pretty much hate your guts, Sacks!
Sacks: Me too, DiNozzo! Me too.

Ducky: (about Gibbs) Did you manage to get him?
Tony: Got his voicemail… and I don't think he ever learned how to use it!
(Tony is calling Ziva.She answers)
Tony: Ziva.
Ziva: Tell Abby I'm gonna kill her.
Tony: We love you too.
Ziva: I'm hanging up now.
Tony: No, you're not.You're gonna tell me what the h*** is going on here.
Ziva: Your phone could be tapped, Tony.
Tony: Well, then I'll come to you.I'm also trying to get a hold of Gibbs, but I'm not having any luck.
Ziva: Gibbs? Why didn't you say so?
(she hands the phone to Gibbs)
Gibbs: DiNozzo. You have ten seconds to tell me why I am not in building a Teque hot tub in Mexico…..Nine……

Tony: "We were just eavesdropping like little girls. But we do have some ideas."

Gibbs: 'First my wife, now my house?"
Fornell: "No! I've learned my lesson. I'm through with your leftovers."

Fornell: "He came to see me Jethro, when I was with Emily."
Gibbs: "She ok?"
Fornell: "For now. Just wanted to tell me that I got the wrong man and strongly suggested I reopen his case to prove it."

Gibbs: "You don't need me to find him."
Fornell: "Need? A convicted killer was 2 inches from my daughter, handing her crayons. He touched her. We're way beyond need, Jethro."
(They look at each other.)
Fornell (disgusted, resigned): "Nice tan."

Jen: "Just as I was getting used to my door being treated as a door. (I'll call you back Todd)."
Gibbs: "I need temporary reinstatement."
Jen: "I assume you're here because of ex-Petty Officer Derek Paulson. I have read Agent Fornell's report. Why the sudden, if temporary, interest in bank robbers?"
Gibbs: "If you've already read Fornell's report then you already know. We're wasting time."
Jen: "It's not that simple Jethro. You left. I appreciate what you did for Ziva but this is not some type of gym membership that you can turn on and off."
Gibbs: "No I can't, but I'm not Director of NCIS."
Jen: "And the Director of NCIS already filed your retirement package with Navy human resources."
Gibbs: "Well unfile it. "
Jen: "It doesn't work that way Jethro. It would take weeks to reinstate you and thats even if you pass…"
Gibbs: "My psych evaluation? Or are you talking about my firearms proficiency exam?"
Jen: "That one I'm not worried about."
(Gibbs starts to march out.)
Jen: "Wait! Let me at least…validate your parking. (opens drawer) Oh! That's strange! …(looks at him) Your retirement package! I must have accidentally put in for your unpaid leave time instead ….of which it seems there are six days left before it has to be filed." (smirks)

Ducky: "I was wondering when you were going to come down and see me."
Gibbs: "I have been busy."
Ducky: "Or avoiding me? I wonder why that could be?"
Gibbs: "I'm not staying."
Ducky: "I didn't think you were. I am aware that when Leroy Jethro Gibbs makes up his mind, his mind's made up. So…why are you here?"
Gibbs: "The Paulsen case. how much do you know?"
Ducky: "I took the liberty of examining the ME's report on Paulsen's two murdered accomplices."
Gibbs: "Anything bug you?"
Ducky: "It's about as watertight a case as I've ever seen, pathologically speaking. Why? Do you suspect foul play in the foul play?"
Gibbs: "No."
Ducky: "Yet you're down here asking me whether anything bugs you about the case. Are you getting one of those famous gut instincts again?"
Gibbs: "I've already had that. And it said that Paulsen was guilty."
Ducky: "And when Leroy Jethro Gibbs makes up his mind, his mind's made up. Too bad for Petty Officer Paulsen. Let's hope things work out better for you in Mexico."
(they have a staring match..until Gibbs' phone rings to break the silence and stand-off).

(Scene at Fornell's house: Gibbs' house has termites and is being fumigated. Fornell puts him up. explains that he would give Gibbs the sofa but Emily specifically wanted Gibbs to have her room (she lives with her mother). Fornell mentions that Emily even offered that Gibbs can sleep with her Raspberry Rumtart doll. Gibbs flashes back to memories of his Kelly with her Strawberry Shortcake doll, which she used as a bride doll to marry GI Joe, representing her mum and dad.)
Fornell: "So it was (?), unless there was something else you want to tell me."
Gibbs: "Something you want to tell me, Tobias?"
Fornell: "You had a family, Jethro. I know you like to play it close to the vest but…hell! I was married to your second wife!"
Gibbs: "I tried to warn you."
Fornell: "I know, I know. I didn't listen. If I did, I might still have a house with a guest bedroom for you."
(Fornell offers him a juice box)
Fornell: "I know its not our usual stuff." (They clink tetrapacks.) "So we screwed up."
Gibbs: "Wait till we see what Abby says."
Fornell: "We screwed up. Big time. Sure wasn't the first time and I know its not gonna be the last."
Gibbs: "My last."
Fornell: "At least we can still make it right."
Gibbs: "If Nash did frame Paulsen, he's not gonna come clean when Paulsen…he's gonna kill Paulsen."
Fornell: "I know. I said we screwed up, didn't I? It's funny how things work out. When I was a kid, all I ever thought about was being an FBI agent. Now, not a day goes when I don't think about being a kid. Ah… don't pay much attention. The way I figure it: anyone who doesn't want to quit this job isn't doing it right."

Tony: (to Gibbs) "I still have much to learn, Master."

(Scene at Gibbs house, Gibbs is sitting by the boat when Jenny enters. Gibbs expects her to convince him to come back, but she is worried about him, her last line)
Jenny: "Fact is you're good. The best. When you're as good at something as you are.You don't just quit! (she leaves)

Tony: I say we use him as bait.Give Mickey a pass, put a man on him in case Paulson comes back.
Gibbs: You're the boss.

Abby: We're trying to figure out if the evidence was planted to frame Paulson.
Mickey: Yeah, like the DNA they found.That could have easily come from some……(about Gibbs) Uh, why is he looking at me like that?
Abby: He's kinda of a bottom line guy.

Mickey: [Paulsen has a gun pointed at Mickey] Whoa! Whoa! Ag – Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Don't talk to me. I think he should shoot you.

Fornell: I certainly wouldn't have let him steal my car.
Gibbs: Didn't. It was DiNozzo's car.

Springer: I don't have to answer any more of your questions! No matter what you say!
Gibbs: I got this little girl… who wants to go home to her dad… and that's not going to happen without your help… So…..please.
Tony: (from observation) Did Gibbs just say…?
McGee: (shocked) Mm-hmm.
Springer: What- what did – did you want to know again?

(Tony starts talking about The Fugitive)
Ziva: What happened? We've been avoiding the word fugitive for two days.
McGee: He made the connection himself.

Ziva: You know, you used to be a nice person, McGee. I think sitting at Tonys desk is affecting your personality.
Tony: For the better! McGee picked up a girl all by himself.
Ziva: Yeah, at a funeral!
Tony: You didnt tell me that.

Tony: Okay, Ive got an ideamaybe he lost his memory again and forgot he quit his job.
McGee: Wouldnt he be sitting at his old desk, then?
Ziva: If Gibbs wanted us to know what he was doing he would have told us
Tony: Oh right. Because he would never expect us to figure it out for ourselves!

Ziva- "I look like a dork."
Tony- "Yeah, that's the idea."

Gibbs- "You're a geek, Ziva David. Not mentally deranged."

Ziva: (doing stretches) "We could be missing something." (bends over)
Tony: (checks out Ziva's behind) "Believe me, not from this angle."

Tony: (referring to the computer projected image of what Gibbs’ and Jenny’s daughter would look like) "Even with Gibbs as the father, I’d date her."
Gibbs: "Never more than once, DiNozzo."

Tony (answering his cellphone): DiNozzo……Stop calling me from dispatch will ya', Muhany? I'm not the team leader anymore.Gibbs is…..Trust me, it makes a difference, now call him and leave me alone.
(He walks into the squadroom)
Ziva: Problems, Tony?
Tony: Wrong number, Ziva.
(Gibbs phone rings and Tony starts getting his things)
McGee: There any reason you're gearing up?
Tony: What's my motto, Probie?
McGee: You'll never date a woman that eats more than you do?
Tony: Well, yeah, that's true.But always be prepared.That signal may fly at any moment.
Gibbs: Grab your gear, we're heading out.
McGee: How'd you know?
Tony: Well, it's a gift, McGee, I choose not to question it.
McGee: Where we goin', boss?
Gibbs: Ask Dinozzo.All I got was a wrong number.

Gibbs: The driver, Mcgee?
McGee: Fredricksburg PD put a bolo out on him last night.
Gibbs/Tony: Any hits?
Tony: Sorry boss……continue…..if you want to of course.
McGee: No hits yet but the local LEO's did match the likeness to a mug shot.Justin Ferris, arreseted for car theft five years ago.Lives with his mother who claims she hasn't seen him since yesterday.
Gibbs: Our victim had around sixteen profiles of people in her apartment without photographs or names.I'm still waiting on the why. Tony: Me too, boss.Just saying Ferris might be one of 'em.Our Rosetta Stone if you will.
Gibbs: Find him.That's a good job, Tim…….Not bad either, Tony.
McGee: Is it me or does he seem a little more…..
Tony: Human?
McGee: Well, I was gonnaa say mellow, but yeah.
Tony: I think it's the mustache lulling us into a false sense of security.

McGee: Each night presents a group of succesful men to a wide variety of women. Each night comes with a promise of romance and the chance to find your soulmate. (Everyone stares at him) Okay, so i thought about going to one, once!
Tony: After this, you and i are gonna have a little talk.
McGee nodds vigorously.
Ziva: Ninety-second dates? I thought you were kidding me, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Youll do fine, Ziva. I had marriages shorter than that.
Ziva: Ha! Im beginning to understand why.

Gibbs: Abby, good job.
Abby: (after Gibbs leaves) Those are two words I will never take for granted again, Bert.

(Tony and Ziva are arguing) Gibbs: How about both of you, shut up!

Tony: "Looked down and to the left… sure sign of a liar."
Gibbs: "That’s very good, DiNozzo."
Tony: "Thanks, Boss."
Gibbs: "Did Ziva teach you that?"
Ziva: Men are such bad liars.
McGee: But is a good liar was telling you a lie, you would not know it was a lie.
Ziva: Oh, I would!
McGee: How would you know?
Tony: Know what?
McGee: When an expert liar is telling Ziva a lie.
Tony: And this started how?
McGee: Well, I told Ziva I went to the gym this morning.
Tony: No great skill in guessing you were fibbing there, Probie.You may have lost some weight, and I am personally very proud of you but gym is not you middle name.
McGee: Yeah, well, Ziva thinks all men are liars.
Tony: Really? So if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell.
Ziva: Particullary you.
McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Tony: Oh, watch and weep.True or false: I had eggs for brekfast thiss morning.
Ziva: True.
Tony: Lucky guess.Last night I had a date with a beautiful woman.
Ziva: False.
Tony: She's good.My first car was a shiney, new, red, corrvette.
Ziva: Fasle.Strike three.I win.
Tony: How did you do that?
Ziva: When you said you had a corvette, you looked down and to the left, a tell-tale sign when peopl lie.
Tony: And the date?
Ziva: Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it alll day,
Tony: I would?
McGee: Oh, yeah.
Tony: Okay, but how could you possibly tell I had eggs for brekfast?
Gibbs: Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy!
Tony: Ready to roll, boss!
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Yeah, boss?
Gibbs: You got egg on your shirt.
Ziva: Not just on your shirt.

(sees a bag full of coins)
Tony: Jackpot.Got to be fifty or sixty bucks there.
Ducky: Yeah, there's more in his trouser pocket.
Tony: What do you think? Illegal slots?
McGee: Maybe he was on his way to a video arcade?
Ziva: Maybe he was doing laundry?
Tony: That's alot of laundry.
Ziva: Maybe he was a once a month kind of man?
Tony: I do it once a week. ( they look at him) …….Laundry.
Tony: Doesn't lok like a fake id..
Ziva: Fake.
Tony: What are you talking about? You barely got a look at it.
Ziva: I can spot a fake a mile away.
Tony: Huh.I had the best fake id in colledge, never got turned away from a bar.
Ziva: Never?
Tony: Ever……Once.
Ziva: Once?
Tony: Or twice.
Ziva: A month?
Tony: A week.But listen, we went out every night and it was colledge town and they're very tuff there.Eagle-eyed bouncers, really had to act the part too.You know, had to be mature, wordly, kinda grown up.
Ziva: So it wasn't the id really, it was you.
Tony: Are you kidding me? No, no, I was….I was the master of fake.

Franks: Probie!
Gibbs: Yeah!
Franks: (sees Gibbs boat) What's this? Number three?
Gibbs: Four.
Franks: Would've thought you'd been done practicing by now.
Gibbs: Always something new to learn.
Gibbs: You didn't waste any time getting here.
Franks: You were expecting me?
Gibbs: Well, I would've been disapointed if you didn't come.
Franks: Yeah, well, let's just say I don't like lose ends.
Gibbs: Take more than lose ends to get you off that beach in Baham
Franks: These scumbags have been selling weapins to tirads and terrorists ever since they gave us the slip.Guns an bombs, and RPGs' used to kill american soilders and marines in every h*** hole from Mobediso to Bagdad.It's time it ended!

Tony: He puked up the bullet?
Ducky: Yeah, find the puke and you'll find the projectile.
McGee: So you want us to look for a pile of dried up vomit?
Ducky: Yes, and I'll need a general sample so I can postivly match it to what I found in the victum.Oh! And of course, the bullet.
Gibbs: Ziva, McGee, get onto it.
McGee: Well, boss, we have narrowed it down a few city blocks.
Ziva: Vale must still have been on foot when he was shot or he would have gotten sick in the car.
McGee: So maybe a parking garage or a parking lot.That narrows it down.
Gibbs: Yeah, go.Go.Don't come back without the bullet.

Tony: Couldn't have gotten far, boss.
Gibbs: Don't count on it.
Tony: Franks!
(They split up.Gibbs finds him hideing in a corner, smokeing.)
Franks: Couldn't find a broom closet.
Gibbs: How do you know Carter?
Franks: Just another spook from the old days that made my job difficult.
Gibbs: You nevermentioned you made a back up copy of that tape.
Franks: It was a long time ago, Probie.
Gibbs: Is it enough?
Franks: Should do the trick.
Gibbs: What's in it?
Franks: Where did you learn to be such a pain in the butt?
Gibbs: Working with you.There's alot of people who want to see what's in that file, Mike.
Franks: Guess they're gonna be disapointed.There's nothing ot see, but theres plenty to hear.
Gibbs: Vale was wearing a wire?
Franks: I was on the other end listening to every word.Dubbed a copy.I tell what I heard, the audio backs me up, and everybody's happy.Except Nikolai.
Gibbs: Where's the tape?
Franks: Safe.
Gibbs: How safe?
Franks: Safe enough that no one's found it for fifteen years.This director of yours, she's okay I guess, but I get the feelin' you've been working under her a little too long.
Gibbs: The world's changing, Mike/
Franks: The lines are getting blured, Probie.Hard for a man not to step over them.And you can call of this protection detail.I can take careof myself just fine.
Gibbs: You know I can't do that, Mike.All you have to be is a half second slower and you're dead.
Franks: Or the other guy just has to be a half second faster just like it's always been.
(Tony comes around the corner)
Tony: I found him, boss!
Franks: Nice work, DiNozzo.
(Tony sees Gibbs, who smirks at him)

Tony: You're supposed to be inside the house, Mike.
Franks: Nice catch.I must be getting sloppy.
Tony: I could smell the ciggarette smoke.
Franks: I could smoke inside if you want.
Tony: I don't think that's a good idea.
Franks: Nope.
(Tony's phone rings)
Tony: Hello?
Gibbs: DiNozzo, it's Gibbs.
Tony: Oh, hey, boss.We were just talking about you.
Gibbs: Got a security problem, time to go off the script.Where's Franks?
Tony: Well, he's right…..Mike? Mike?
(Tony is hit over the head)
Gibbs: Tony? DiNozzo? Tony?!

Tony: I lose any hair?
Emt: No.
Gibbs: How is he?
Emt: He'll live.
Tony:Well, I've been hit harder, boss.By you.
Gibbs: How many were there?
Tony: I didn't see.Came up really fast from behind.The rest of our guys deployed from the house in less than thirty seconds.But they were already gone.
Gibbs: With Mike?
Tony: There must have been two teams; one to take me down and another to snatch him.Whoever did it, they were good.Sorry, boss.Why did they grab him when all they had to do was kill him?
Gibbs: He was holding evidence.
Tony: Where?
Gibbs: He wouldn't tell me.
Tony: Well, I guess you didn't hold a blow torch to his eyeballs to find out, they will.
(Gibbs phone rings)
Gibbs: Yeah, Gibbs.Tell her I'm on my way.
(Hangs up)
Tony: Jenny?
Gibbs: Jenny.Just how cozy did you two get while I was away?
Tony: Boy, that knock to the head must have been harder than I though because I'm saying crazy things that even I don't understand.(nods to the emt girl) Think she's single?
Gibbs: He's fine.

Abby: So I have a pirstine bullet sample fired from our suspect's Thirty-eight.All I need is the bullet you pulled from him, I'll make a match and we'll send the bad guys wherever the bad guys go when we catch 'em! Where do the bad guys go when we catch 'em?

Abby: "You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet right."
Ducky: "What?"
Abby: "They're clowns."

Tony:"McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain."
McGee: He had me at howdy."

Ziva: "McGee. Give me your flashlight."
McGee: "Why? You didn't bring your own?"
Ziva: "It's too heavy. It pulls my pants down."

Tony: "I was lucky to get out of Rebecca's apartment alive. She threw this at my head."
Ziva: "Something wrong with reading Moby Dick?"
Tony: "No. She was throwing it. I took it so she couldn't rearm."

Ducky: "My first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon."
Tony: "That masters in psych is starting to pay off Ducky."

Ziva: "Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb."
Gibbs: "Ahh… you're not thinking like a jealous woman Ziva."

Abby: "I'm sure you find other things beautiful."
McGee: "Like Gibbs breaking up a chick fight?"
Abby: "I can't believe I missed that!"
McGee: "Well, I've got good news. Guess what's now playing on McGee TV!"
Abby: "I hug and kiss technology!"

Abby: "Aww, you shaved your moustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face."
Gibbs: "I still have my eyebrows."
Abby: "Good point."

Gibbs: McGee, over here.Hands and knees; on the floor.
McGee: Okay.Wait, you're not gonna step on me are you? (Gibbs gives him a look) Footprints! Footprints, looking for footprints.(about the carpet) Looks pretty tight weave.
Ducky: Yeah, looks lik cisel.It's a naturaly stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant.It doesn't matt, track dust, build static.Makes it ideal for carpeting, personally I prefer a good shag. (everyone looks at him)……..From a criminal investigative stand point.

Tony: An odd decorating choice.Although the corpse does give the place a certain lived in look.
Ziva: Contractors off the hook, he's been out of town for a week.Going to check on the real estate agents this morning.
Tony: That's all you did?
Ziva: No, while you and McGee were watching the sunrise I was pulling Lance Corpral Finn's SRB and I have to say it was spotty.He unc on the range and failed swim call.
Gibbs: So they made him supply clerk.
Ziva: Right.Six months ago he signed out on a three day pass before deploying to Irag and never returned home. Gibbs: Get me his CO. Tony: He's in Irag. (Gibbs stares at him)……I'll contact MTAC.
McGee: I put in a request for Finn's bank records, earning statements, and medical records.
Tony: Night wasn't a total loss, ground radar picked up a shovel about ten feet from the grave sight. (Gibbs starts to leave, points to Tony and starts to say something) Already sent it to Abby.
McGee: Yup, the old Gibbs is back.

Abby: And his underwear are boxer breifs like you wear Gibbs.
Gibbs: Youre fishing, Abbs.
Abby: So are they regular boxers? Trunks? Nothing?

Ducky: Agent Gibbs will be here soon and he will ask—
Gibbs: How's the Lance Corpral die, doctor?
Ducky: How he died….may take me awhile, try when did he die.
Gibbs: That's my next question.

Tony: How'd you meet?
Rebecca: At a bar.Two years ago.I was there with some girlfriends and when I got up to go to the ladies room and he blocked my path.Said he couldn't keep his eyes off me. McGee: And that worked?
Rebecca: What worked was when we talked he had something to say.Most guys won't shut up about their online war games.
(Tony smirks at McGee)

Tony: Chickfight!

Ziva: Okay, let's see what he had at Siri's place……Razor and a tooth brush.
Tony: Razor and a tooth brush.
Ziva: Three pairs of white underwear.
Tony: Three pairs of…….pinkish underwear.
Ziva: One black sock with a gold toe.
Tony: Don't you hate it when you leave one black sock at one fiance's house and the other one at the other's house?
Ziva: One pair of blue jeans.
Tony: One black mesh t-shirt.Do woman really like these?
Ziva: Depends on who's wearing it.
Tony: So if I were too—–
Ziva: (quickly) No.

Ziva: How could they be so clueless?
Gibbs: Well, he's dead so maybe they weren't.

Tony: Why would someone unbury a body? I can answer that.To send a message.Like "Hi, I'm dead!"

Ziva: Where's the money?
Tony: .Ah, maybe it's in Siri's engagment ring. (pulls it out) I gotta bring this down to Abby. (holds it out for Ziva to see)
Ziva: I can save you an elevator trip. (blows on the ring)
Tony: Oh, that's nice.
Ziva: It's creating condensation.On real diamonds it evaporates immediatly.
Tony: It's, ah, staying.
Ziva: Becuase it's a fake.
Tony: Gibe it one more try just to make sure.
Ziva: I'm not blowing on you again!

Ducky: He's speaking softly but Lance Corpral Finn has more to say.

Gibbs: McGee, how long does it take to put on a clean shirt?
McGee: Ten seconds.With buttons a little longer. (Gibbs rolls his eyes) Retorical question.

Tony: What's your gut tell you, boss?
Gibbs: (to McGee) Take off your shirt.
Tony: Here we go.
McGee: Well, I know it's kinda messy.
Gibbs: You shirt, McGee, take it off now.
(McGee takes it off and puts it in the evidence bag Gibbs is holding out.)
Gibbs: Take it down to Abby. (McGee just looks at him) Unless you'd rather wait for a search warent.
McGee: (as Gibbs is walking away) Rebecca's dna! (to Tony) Let me borrow one of your shirts.
Tony: You afriad all that white might burn out Abby's cornea?
McGee: Do not make me walk around like this all day.Come on, help me out.
Tony: Alright, I can't resist a damsal in distress.Here take this, I'll get a fresh one. (takes off his shirt)
Ziva: Wow, it's just like Chip&Dale's…..Without the bow ties and muscles.

Tony: Kind of reminds me of Paciffic Heights.
Gibbs: Don't tell me, a movie?
Tony: Yeah, Interesting plot.Young couple buys their dream house and the tennet from hell trys to destroy it.Micheal Keaton's best work.

Tony: Hey, I got another dna sample to test.It's a rush job.
Abby: So I should put in front of my other rush jobs?
Tony: Yes.
Abby: Okay, I'll make it a rush rush job and get right on it unless I get a rush rush rush job.
Tony: Thanks, Abbs.

Tony: You interogated her and didn't think up that she had sex with Finn?
Ziva: It was an interveiw, not an interogatin, and excuse me if my brain didn't go to teh sex place.
Tony: Mine would.
Ziva: I'm sure that's why you have a leg up on other investigators.
Tony: See, you say leg up, I instantly went to the sex place.

McGee: Boss, Abby ran the prepaid car we found in Finn's pocket and i had only one call on it to a sefl storage company in Dale City, Virgina.
Gibbs: Good, call the storage facility—–
McGee: I did, I was just takeing a breath…..Uh, I called the self storage place, Finn's payed for the unit in cash only, signed in once.So I figured Ziva and I should proabably go down there and check it out…….Sorry about the breath.
(Leaves and Gibbs smirks)

McGee: (after everyone saw the Roomba and Gibbs destroyed it) Told ya I wasn't crazy.

Ducky: The question we should be asking ourselves is "Why?", Ziva. Two-thirds of all child abductions are by a biological relative.
Ziva: She kidnapped her own child.
Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.
Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in a documentary about them…Tony forced me to watch…Grizzly Man?
Ducky: I was referring to a mother bears protective nature when her cubs are threatened: there is no deadlier creature on the planet.
Ziva: (earnestly but totally misunderstanding) I agree! They also ATE the man who shot the footage AND his girlfriend.
Ducky: (distracted) Yeah well that is perfectly dreadful…
Ziva: That is what I told Tony!
Ducky: (getting exasperated) My point is, the mother may have been trying to protect her daughter…

Ziva- I admit, I screwed that one up! But why did she run?
Gibbs- She was hiding something.
Ziva- So you do agree with me?
Gibbs (angry)- Oh yeah! You definitely screwed that one up! (he stalks out)
Abby- Is there something I should know?
Ziva- He definitely wants to devour me. (exits)
Abby- And they say blondes have all the fun…

Gibbs- "Don't apologize. It's a sign of weakness."

Ducky: "Mr. Palmer took them [the fingerprints] up to Abby's lab, but she's not there and she's not answering her calls."
McGee:" Well, Halloween is a big night for Abby."
Tony: "Every night is Halloween to Abby."
Ducky: (to Jimmy) "Ah, there you are! Is she here yet?
Jimmy: "Oh she's here and she's in costume.
Tony: "Oh yeah? What's it like?
Jimmy: "Trust me, you wouldn't want me to ruin the surprise."

(Both Tony and McGee stare at Abby in her Marilyn Monroe costume.)
Abby: "Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have food in my teeth or something?"
Tony: "I'll just stick with or something. We need to run our dead guy's photo against mug shots."
Abby: "Give me!"
Tony: "The camera McGee!"
McGee: "The camera. Sorry."
Abby: "McGee, what is wrong with you? You look three cans short of a six pack."
McGee: "Nothing. It's just you, you look different."
Tony: "He means the costume, Marilyn."
Abby: "Oh right! Sweet, huh?"

Abby: "McGee, can you invert the image? As soon as you're done undressing me with your eyes. And bring up the gamma and increase the contrast. And flop it. Smashing pumpkins, it's the left hand side of a Virginia license plate!"
Tony: "Nice work Abbs. Run it McGee! DiNozzo does it again!"
McGee: "You mean Abby and I did it again."
(Abby punches him in the arm.)
McGee: "Ouch, what was that for?"
Abby: "Those days ended the moment you started sexing up the cheerleader."

McGee: "Abby's right, I am three beers short of a six pack."
Tony: "She was talkin' about your abs, McFlabby!"

Ziva: "I screwed up Ducky! I knew the Staff Sergeant's wife was hiding something. That she wasn't telling the whole truth. You know what I did? I allowed myself to feel sorry for her! Agh! Do you know what the makes me?"
Ducky: "Human."
Ziva: "A chimp!"
Jimmy: "I think she means "chump," Doctor. You see, a chimp is an animal, Ziva, whereas a chump is someone who is easily taken advantage of or fooled."
Ducky: "Um, Mr. Palmer, would you mind giving us a moment alone? (Jimmy leaves.) He means well."
Ziva: "He's right."
Ducky: "What does Gibbs think?"
Ziva: "Hard to tell. He's currently not talking to me."
Ducky: "Well, chin up dear. It could be worse."
Ziva: "How?"
Ducky: "He could be a bear!"

(Abby is dressed as Marylin Monre)
Gibbs: Not bad for a blonde.
Abby: You know there's no statistical evidence that say blonde's have lower IQ's than any other hair color.
Gibbs: I'll take your word for it, Abs.
Abby: There's more if your interested……Mr.President.

Tony: Not planning on leaving early are you?
Ziva: And if I am?
Tony: I wouldn't advise it.Don't you know what today is?
Ziva: Tuseday.
Tony: It's Halloween, Ziva.It's an American holiday……
Ziva: I know.The wearing of silly outfits and begging for treats. I would imagine it would be a DiNozzo national holiday.
Tony: Well, you imagined wrong. I don't do Halloween.
Ziva: I see.Your father again, yes?
Tony: I don't do Halloween because every year since I became a cop weird thins always happen on October thrity-first.
Ziva: Define weird.
Tony: Grave roberies, beheadings, cattle mutilations…..(McGee comes in, buttoning his shirt up over a furry, blue costume)….And McGee turning fuzzy and blue.
McGee: What?
Ziva: What's under you shirt?
McGee: My t-shirt.
Ziva: Okay, he's lying.
Tony: Oh yeah. (catch sight of part of the costume in a bag) Oh yeah! ( pulls out the cotume, tossing the hat to Ziva who puts it on) I knew you played a fairy on that online game but dressing up as one?
McGee: It's a snow elf and I'm going to a costume party, okay?
Tony: This is far from okay, Probie.In fact I'd say this is takeing geek one step beyond.
Ziva: Oh, sadly I have to agree.I instantly felt all the respect leave my body as soon as I put this on.
McGee: Well, normally you'd be right, but you haven't yet seen my ice queen.
Tony: You gotta be kidding.
(McGee shows them pictures of a beautiful woman)
McGee: Did I also mention she's Redskins cheerleader?
Ziva: Hmmm, very impressive.
Tony: That's a very hot woman.How…how'd you find her?
McGee: Met at the Armani store, found out we played on the same gameing server together. Tony: Since when can you afford Armani?
Gibbs (walking in): Gear up.
(Stops and looks at Ziva who's still wearing the hat.)
Ziva ( after realsing what Gibbs is looking she jerks it off): Oh, no! They're McGee's.
McGee: Well, I'm going to a costume party later, boss.
Gibbs: Not anymore, Elflord. General Custer has been shot and he's got a dead skelton in his living room.
Tony: What's I tell ya'? Halloween.

McGee: Boss, he just said your mother has a smooth forehead. It's a Klingon insult.
Tony: You speak Klingon?
McGee: Not fluently, but yes.

Tony: General Kang crying or is that just sweat?
McGee: Half an hour alone in a room with angry Gibbs, even Klingons have their limits.
Tony: What's he been doing to him?
McGee: Mostly staring.
Tony: Maybe that's a new interrogation technique.
McGee: Well it seems to be working… It's definitely creeping me out.

Tony: Last time I did Halloween I was an astronaut. The neighborhood I grew up in, well it wasn't really a neighborhood; there were these estates with mansions smack dab in the middle of them. And really long driveways. Made Halloween very tricky. It's a lot of walking. My feet were tired that night. Dogs were barking.
McGee: Yeah, I gotta imagine it really sucks growing up rich like that.
Tony: My costume was fantastic though. Wicked awesome. I was a spaceman. No ventilation though. I was sweating like Roger Federer after a five-set tie breaker. And stinky. Stinky like cheese. But man what a haul. I made off with more candy than I could carry.
McGee: I hope this story's coming to an end soon.
Tony: But when I got home, old man made me throw it all away. Even the apples.
McGee: He was concerned about your teeth.
Tony: Oh… no. I made my astronaut suit out of one of this 00 designer ski suits.
McGee: Ouch.
Tony: I don't think I sat down again 'til Christmas.

Abby: Tony, there is nothing scary about a zombie dragging its butt around!
Tony: Well, a zombie isn't a zombie unless it's dragging its butt around.
McGee: You liked 28 Days Later. Those zombies were really quick.
Tony: Alright, enough with the zombies already!

McGee- "That's pretty clever, Boss. How did you figure that out?"
Gibbs- "Too much time around you."

Lt. Col. Mann-If this is gonna be a pissing match you'd better bring an umbrella.
Tony-(Running towards Gibbs) Got something boss. (To Ziva) What'd I miss?
Ziva-Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony: "Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?"
Ziva: "I can disarm it."
Tony: "OK… Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this."
Ziva: "If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence."
Tony: "Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! ZIVA! This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!"
Ziva: "Then why are you following me Tony?"
Tony: "I don't know!"
Ziva: "Here, hold this."
Tony: "Any idea what's going to happen if this cellphone rings?"
(Ziva works at disarming the bomb.)
Tony: "I can see down your shirt right now."
Ziva: "I don't think your new girlfriend would like that."
Tony: "What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about."
Ziva: "I'm talking about you and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by."
Tony: "Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now."
Ziva: "See anything good?"
Tony: "Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying…"
(Ziva clips the wire.)
Tony: "… over."
Ziva: "Not worth dying over. (She zips up her jacket.) "I'll remember that."
Tony: "What if I said it was?"
Ziva: "Now you'll never know."

Tony: "Bomb was set to go off when the cell was called."
Ziva: "It's prepaid and disposable. Never been used."
Gibbs: "So there's no call log."
Tony: "Thanks to our bomb disposal expert, we still have plenty to work with."
Ziva: "Looks like two or three people were staying there."
Tony: "Abby's processing it."
Gibbs: "Nice job Ziva. If you do anything like that ever again, I'll kick your ass back to Israel."

Gibbs: "Ziva!
Ziva: "Do you want me to defuse it? Because before you said you'd kick my ass back to…"
Gibbs: "Do it!"

Col. Mann: "Do all your people talk to themselves?"
Gibbs: "Don't yours?"

Col. Mann: "Smart and devious. That's a dangerous combination."
Gibbs: "You forgot charming."
Col. Mann: "No, I didn't."

Gibbs: My son, Tony, plays that same game.

Abraham-whats your name?
McGee-Tim.
Tony-It means he who is about to wet his pants.
(Ziva disarms bomb)
Abraham- Why is he about to wet his pants?

McGee: It's Poison Ivy and it's spreading, okay?
Tony: This is your second tango with the vicious weed, McGee.Maybe you should learn what that stuff looks like.
Ziva: And avoid it.
McGee: Yeah, I thought I did.Oh, this is killing me! When Gibbs told me to check out the forest I shoulda just told him—
Gibbs (walking in): Told me what, McGee?
McGee (nervously): No. Gibbs: Well, that probably woulda been a good idea.Baking soda and vinigar.Make a paste, slap it on.
McGee: Okay, thanks, thank you, boss. (Stands up)
Gibbs: Not now, McGee. After we catch the terroist.

Tony: Looks like you've made up your mind.
Josh: Special Agent slash mind-reader.
Tony: Well when you're good, you're good.

Mann: (as Gibbs approaches Abrham) What the h*** is he doing?
Tony: What he always does.
Mann: Four marriages. Negotiating's probably not his thing.
Tony: You'd be surprised.
Mann: I have been so far.

Josh: I should have said something.
Tony: There was nothing you could've done.
Josh: That's another one of those stupid things people say.
Tony: Well, I've got a million of 'em. You should ask my co-workers. They'll tell ya'.
Josh: Okay, what else you got?
Tony: Everything happens for a reason.
Josh: Yeah, that woulda really ticked me off. But you can do better.
Tony: When your time is up, is your time is up.
Josh: Hope you got more skills than that.
Tony: In the imortal words of Elvis Costello: 'Oh, accidents will happen'.
Josh: Yeah, I probably woulda stuck my fist through your skull if you had said that.

Jeanne: How's a ah… How's a kinda… cute.. definitely charming guy like you.. who does some pretty bad impersonations…
Tony: I don't know… what that means……but I thank you.
Jeanne: Manage to stay.. single for so long?
Tony: Oh.. you're gonna ask a real question.. that's a real question.
Jeanne: Well, yeah.
Tony: Um, what are commitment issues?
Jeanne: Uh-uh. Not buying it.
Tony: Really? Why is that?
Jeanne: In the last hour….
Tony: Yeah?
Jeanne: At least a dozen hot co-eds have walked by, your eyes haven't wandered once.
Tony: Really? Well, obviously yours have.
Jeanne: Don't get your hopes up. I'm a very, um….traditional girl.
Tony: So was Ann Heche.
Jeanne: You still haven't answered my question, Tony.
Tony: Okay……Okay. Well, I suppose I am paitently waiting to find the right girl.
Jeanne: You think you'll ever find her?
Tony: I am getting more and more confident by the day.

Marty: Do you bowl?
Abby: Are you kidding me? I am the Queen of the Alley.

Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.
Tony: There is?

Jenny: The SecDef's staff are worried that it was an attempt on the life of their boss.
Gibbs: Are we worried?
Jenny: If it was an assassination attempt, he's a lousy assassin. He used his body as a weapon and missed by seventy-five feet.

Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now do you?
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby.

Ducky: I can't tell you how he died.. but I can tell you how he lived…. The man was a hero.

McGee: How does a homeless guy hiding in a hotel order room service?
Tony: This wouldn't be a trick question, would it, McGee?
McGee: No.
Tony: He calls room service.
McGee: (picks up the stapler and pretends) Room service. Hi. This is the homeless guy that's staying illegally in room 607…yes, the room checked out for maintenance…I would like to order some breakfast.
Tony: It was a trick question.
McGee: Then give me a tricky answer.

McGee: Every woman has a bag.
Ziva: Do I have a bag McGee?
McGee: No… but you're not a… (Ziva looks at him) …well I mean.. you're a woman.. just you're not normal… (Ziva raises her eyebrow) .. you're right.. every woman does not have a bag.

Gibbs: What am I looking at?
Abby: Nothing!
Gibbs: Nothing. Nothing's good, right?
McGee: Oh yeah, nothing is very good.

Abby: Can you help me?
Marty: If you want to leave it with me-
Abby: No no! I can't. Chain of evidence. I have to… do it with you… I mean.. not with you but ah.. along side you.. but just be with you.. I have to be with you while you do it.. While you.. test it!

Ziva: Two cell phones, huh?
Tony: Uh, one for each ear. No, it's a spare. This one is sort of been on the fritz. It's another word you probably don't know the meaning of.
Ziva: Acts up?
Tony: I'm impressed. (starts to leaves) Uh, alright. I'm heading out. Gotta see the doctor about being run "over" … down.
Ziva: (nodding towards the phone) Don't forget Fritz.

Ziva: You okay?
Tony: Never better.
Ziva: You look run over.
Tony: The term is "run down". … I do?
Ziva: Maybe you need servicing?
Tony: Clearly we are still having some problems with the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
Ziva: The 'finely tuned engine' I think you called it.

Abby (imitating Gibbs): Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director.
Abby (imitating Jenny): Oh I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel Agent Gibbs.
Abby (imitating Gibbs): Your personnel?
Abby (imitating Jenny): Last time I checked it said Director on my door not yours!
Abby: The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight!

Tony (after arresting a cheerleader) "You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to do splits. You have the right to wear a short skirt."

Tony: "Cheerleader was worried Popeye was getting his spinach somewhere else."

Tony: "Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime."
Gibbs: "Dinozzo…"
Tony: "That's seven letters."
Gibbs: "Still works for me

Gibbs: "We gonna jump through any legal hoops?"
Abby: "Oh, that's kind of a gray area."
Gibbs: "How gray?"
Abby: "Charcoal."

Abby- "But Gibbs! I solved the case of the smoking goldfish."

(Abby looking at the phone that was found on the dead body of a Marine, then it rings.)
Abby: Should I answer it?
Gibbs: Yeah
Abby: Hello?
McGee: Finally! Where the hell are you?
Gibbs: McGee?
McGee: Boss? Uhh…….why do you have my sister's phone?
Gibbs: Why did we find your sister's phone on the dead body of a Marine?

Tony: That was quick.
Gibbs: You solved this case already DiNozzo?
Tony: No, it's my hundredth body. Hey, listen… you wouldn't mind taking a … Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.
Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.

Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.

Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is?
Ziva: I thought it was called a "blog" but maybe my English is not as good as I thought.

Tony: (McGee is waiting for Gibbs in the elevator) And here I thought being sent to the Principal's office was bad.

Jenny: Sarah threatened to kill Seaman Petty by email, a taxi picker her up near the crime scene at the time of the murder, the blood on her clothes matchs the vitums, and her fingerprints are on the murder weapon.Other than being your sister is there any evidenciary reason she shouldn't be charged.
McGee: But she is my sister, Director.Sarah may have a temper, but she lashes out with her mouth or a pen, not a knife.
Jenny: And I hope you have more to offer then brotherly love, Agent McGee.
McGee: She was drugged.She showed up at my door, she was groggy, barely able to walk, she couldn't remember anything excpet leaving the food court.
Jenny: On the lab reports drugs and alchoal were negative.
McGee: By the time those tests were taken whatever was in her system had matabolized.
Jenny: And if that's true, whose fault is that?
McGee: Mine.I should have taken Sarah—.
Jenny: But you didn't bring her in! Agent DiNozzo and Officer David did! So your actions, or should I say inactions, did nothing to help your sister, but it did impune the integrity of this agecny.
McGee: Forgive me, Director, for not putting the integrity of NCIS before my sister! It won't happen again. (puts his badge and gun on table and leaves)

Gibbs: Come're.Sit down.
McGee: Boss, you don't think that—.
Gibbs: You sit down here until I get back.
McGee: Boss, you don't think Sarah did it do you?
Gibbs: I don't know, McGee, I'll know after I interogate her.
McGee: Can I watch?
Gibbs: No.
McGee: Please.From observation—-.
Gibbs: No!
McGee: Boss, I can't just sit here!
Gibbs: Here.Read a book. (drops copy of Deep Six in front of him)

McGee: Okay, now you left the bar at nine thirty PM.
Sarah: I got to the campus food court around ten.
McGee: You showed up here at my door at two thirty am.That leaves four hours unaccounted for.
Sarah: I'm actually impressed.Is this what you do at work?
(McGee nods)
Sarah: You know like, state the obvious and make pretty pie charts.

McGee: I'd apologize but I know how you feel about that.
Gibbs: Got your voice back.
McGee: I never lost it.
Gibbs: No kidding!
McGee: I know witholding evidence is a violation of NCIS policy.
Gibbs: And a crime.One that I don't really care about.Why didn't you come to me?
McGee: I was going to.When I saw the body I knew I had to bring Sarah in.
Gibbs: No! Before that.
McGee: I couldn't take that chance.I don't know what my sister did or didn't do, but I know what it looked like.And we say better ten guilty men go free than one inocent man get punished but I know from exprience that it doesn't always work out like that.I couldn't take that chance with Sarah.Not with the police, not with NCIS, not even with you.She's my sister. Gibbs: (pause) Apology accepted.

Gibbs: McGee, go home.Can't have you workin' this case.
McGee: If I go home how do you know I won't keep working on it?
Gibbs: (pause) Come'on! I'll keep an eye on ya'!

Sarah: You know, Tony is much cuter than Tommy.
McGee: Tommy?
Tony: (holding up copy of Deep Six) Hmmmm, you know, if you rearange these letters you get…..
Ziva: Timothy McGee.
Sarah: You should have told me this was a secret.
Tony: Can't wait to read about your swashbuckling, socially repugnant Special Agent Tommy.
Ziva: And Lisa, the sultary and emtionally distant Mossad Officer.
Tony: Or their boss, L.J. Tibbs who drinks to elviate the burden of his Messianic Complex.Where is L.J., Dead Agent Walking?
McGee: Evidence garage.
(Tony shows McGee he's taking the book with him.)
McGee: Tony…….Tony. (grabs Sarah's arm as he follows Tony) I'm gonna kill you.

Tony: (reading Deep Six) Lisa's eyes reminded him of emeralds.
Ziva: (happily) Oh.
Tony: Flawed only by the icicles in her heart.
Ziva: (snatching the book) He's dead. (reading) In the field Agent Tommy is a dogged pursuer of dirtbags.
Tony: Yeah.
Ziva: And any skirt over the age of eighteen.
Tony: (to Sarah) Your brother's dead.

Ziva: We're all adults here.
Fornell: That's a subject I'd be willing to debate, Officer David.

Tony: Some days this job really sucks.
Gibbs: Yeah? Well, it's about to get worse.

Fornell: The FBI's invested 12 years in this investigation.
Jenny: And my people made more progress in just 3 days. Now I could see how that would be embarrassing.
Fornell: I'll get over it.

Jenny: It's been working for us since around 1882
Fornell: Sadly Justice doesn't see it that way.

Gibbs: Somebody killed your serial killer, Fornell.
Jenny: On a Marine base, which means it's still our jurisdiction.

Gibbs: I can do you one better than that.
Fornell: Nah, you can’t top that Jethro.
Gibbs: What was the toe doing in her husband’s stomach?.

Ziva: What would you do.. if one day you woke up and realised you were married to a monster?
Tony: Happened to my father all the time… we usually just moved.
Ziva: Hah! That explains it!

Jenny: (to Fornell about the Justice papers) Who'd you have to sleep with to get these?!

Ziva: You got to cut the man some slacks.
Tony: I agree. Except the term is slack.

Tony: Apparently, McGee thinks Ziva is in love with… me!
Gibbs: There's a reason they call it fiction DiNozzo!

McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Ziva: Fiction based on us?!

Tony: You're behind me again, aren't you.
Ziva: Lucky guess. You know, I think McGee's right…
Tony: He was, was he?
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just…give in, yes?
Tony: And by give in you mean…
Ziva: Letting loose. Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Hmm hmm. Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Hmm. Really?
Ziva: But my father wouldn't approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish.
Ziva: Because he gets very angry when I kill a co-worker!
Tony: Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't. (slaps Tony)
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it.
Gibbs: I'm ending it. (grabs Tony's copy of Deep Six) Next person who mentions this book will be deep-sixed by me!

(Tony is whistling happily)
Ziva: Are you on medication?

Lee: Warrent just came in, via the FBI. I made sure NCIS was a co-server.
Tony: Warrent for what Lee?
Lee: The serial killer's home. It covers the grounds and residence.
Tony: Serial killer? I only missed like two hours.
Gibbs: (walking in) Snooze you lose, DiNozzo. (headslaps him)

Fornell: You're enjoying this.
Gibbs: Oh, only slightly more than a lot.

Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologizes.
Ducky: It's a sign of weakness.
Gibbs: Not among friends. I'm sorry, Ducky. I should've told you about Shannon and Kelly.
Ducky: I should have told you something months ago. Welcome home, Jethro.

Tony: [enters and notices Sacks sitting at his desk using his phone] What's wrong with this picture?
Ziva: Besides being late over two hours?
Tony: Why is the spawn of the FBI sitting at MY desk?

Ducky: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
Fornell: With WHAT? A safety pin?
Ducky: As I explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an icepick or philips head screwdriver.
Gibbs: Somebody killed your serial killer Fornell.
Jenny: On a Marine base.Which means it is still OUR jurisdiction. (tears up the order to transfer the case to the FBI)

Ducky: And the moral of course is…
Gibbs: It's never a good idea to get married.
Ducky: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Gibbs: I like mine better.

McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Ziva: Fiction based on us, yes?
McGee: No! Look if you don't believe me read the disclaimer on the front of the book!
Tony: [to Ziva] You buying that, Lisa?
[Ziva laughs]
Tony: Didn't think so.
[Tony adjust his seatbelt]
Tony: Nice knowing you Probie.
McGee: Ziva…
[Ziva accelerates quickly. McGee falls back]
McGee: It's just a book!

Fornell: [referring to the case] No hard feelings Jethro?
Gibbs: Nope, just need you to look at something before you leave.
Fornell: You've got that mustache in a box, don't you?

Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the time I shoved a French Policemen off a cliff?
Tony: There was a lake below.
Ducky: Yes. The man was all right but they still issued a warrant for my arrest. Gibbs and I managed to keep two steps ahead of them. Eventually we escaped across the English Channel in a sailboat.
Palmer: You and Agent Gibbs were fugitives?
Ducky: Yes, for a short while. Until a young, upcoming NCIS Agent had the charges dropped.
Tony: Jenny. (everyone looks at him) I mean, Director Shepard.
Ducky: Yes, she was the one who commandeered the boat.
McGee: Director Shepard stole a boat?
Ducky: She wasn't the Director of NCIS at the time, McGee.

Abby: Permission to hug?

Tony: Stool sample. Would you like to see it?
Ziva: You want me to stab you in the eye with my knife?

Ziva: Jamie Jones was arrested for assault and battery on his girlfriend and she dropped the charges and married him six months later .
Tony: Well, it doesn't account for taste… just look at Britney and K-Fed!

Ziva: (to McGee after she lands on him) That better be your handcuff!

(The Sexual Harassment Counselor tells the group that hugging may offend co-workers)
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Counsellor: You may see it as friendly but your co-workers may find it offensive.
Abby: (looking around) You guys get offended when I hug you?
Group: No, no… Never. No.
Abby: I'm hugging you all in my mind right now.

Tony: What if you slap someone on the back of the head like this? (Slaps McGee. McGee hits Tony in the groin and Tony groans.) Would that be… considered inappropriate behavior?
Sexual Harassment Counselor: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
(Tony looks at Gibbs. Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs gives him a stern look.)
Tony: No, I was just wondering.

Tony: I think you should go and check the bedroom. That is… unless you want me to come with you and help…What?
Ziva: Just wondering if offering to take me to a bedroom constitutes sexual harassment?
Tony: Well, if you have to ask then it's not harassment.

Ziva: If red light is for sexually assaulting a coworker, what color is murder?
Tony: How does black light sound?
Ziva: Works for me.

Tony: Curious to know what follows red-light behavior?
Ziva: Uh… potential pregnancy?

Ziva: (After Tony receives a phone call) So, test results came back already?
Tony: (Sarcastic) Yes, I'm pregnant, McGee is going to be very proud.

McGee: I did it, Abby. I know how they did it.
Abby: (coming up behind him) How'd you know I was here?
McGee: I didn't……Abby, I'm sorry for—-
Abby: I know. (hugs him)
McGee: Thought you were supposed to ask for permission first.
Abby: Never with you, Tim.

McGee: The reason we couldn't find how they hacked the A.L. program was they didn't. They snuck inbefore the system was even online.
Gibbs: Makes sense.
McGee: A series of commands inserted into the flash memory of the bio should bootup.
Abby: They waited until condtions were met and then bam! Killer car syndrome.
McGee: Once executed they purged from memory. It can only trace it on extra space on one of the other motherboard's bio chips.
Gibbs: Figured it'd be something like that.
Abby: (smiling) Right. Um, we know the program was flashed from a physical device that was tied into the system.
McGee: Memory stick, SD card. We just need to find it.
Abby: And when we do we'll have the killer code and a clue to who wrote it.
(Gibbs walks away)
Abby: (to McGee) I think we lost him. We need to try it again, but slower.
Gibbs: (holds up a chip from a camera) So what you're saying, for example, we need to find something this small in a HumVee jammed with twenty-two million dollars of electronics.
McGee: Pretty much.
Gibbs: We're screwed. (leaves)
Abby: That is an excellent point.

McGee: Trying to decide is this is a yellow light or red light situation.
Abby: You only wish I was still sexually harrasing you.

Counselor: From the video presentation it is clear that sexual harrasment can take many forms in the work place. A co-worker with elevator eyes looking you up and down. A co-worker showing you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: (to Ziva) If you're lucky.
Counselor: A co-worker's hand 'accidentally' brushes up against your body.
Ziva: (to Tony) If you're really lucky.
Counselor: Physical contact can be divided into three catagories.Green light includes normal behavior.Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone or—-
(Abby raises her hand)
Counselor: Yup.
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Counselor: You may see it as friendly but your co-workers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?
Everyone: No.
Abby: I'm hugging you all in mind, right now.
Counselor: DOD policy is very clear about this point, Miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a co-worker.
Abby: Like, everytime?
Counselor: Yes. (Abby sits down) Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate, unwelcomed touching.
(Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear)
Tony: (jumping up) Ahhhh!
Counselor: Another question?
Tony: Yeah, what if you slap someone on the back of the head like this? (headslaps McGee and McGee hits him) Would that be considered inapropriate behavior?
Counselor: Absolutely. Are you saying that this had actually happened?
(Everyone looks at Gibbs and Gibbs stares at Tony)
Tony: No, I was just wondering, that's all.
(Tony sits back down and Palmer raises his hand)
Counselor: Yes?
Palmer: Uh, yes, uh, what if part of your job includes touching naked people, and—–?
Counselor: That's inapropiate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead.
Counselor: Why are you touching dead, naked people?!
Palmer: Well, you see, I work in autopsy…..

Jamie: Now what?
Abby: Just sit back and let the scientists….
McGee: Kick all kinds of major a**.

Gibbs: "Give me some news, Abs"
Abby: "I'm not pregnant"
Gibbs: "Too much information"

Ziva: (to Major Raines) For an intelligence officer you are not very intelligent.

Ziva: (on Tony) You sent him back for other reasons than to question Lt. Shaheen's commanding officer.
Gibbs: Did I miss the announcement?
Ziva: No, I was not made Director of NCIS.
Gibbs: (shakes head) I was thinking more like Secretary of the Navy because the Director of NCIS would know **** well not to ask me such a stupid question!

Ziva: You bring your own coffee grind on investigations?!
Gibbs: Only on overnighters!

Tony: How do you live with the mother of all secrets?
Abby: You don't. It consumes you, it eats you like a cancer, from the inside. First there's the guilt, and then there's the excruciating urge to blab your secret even though you know it's gonna spell your doom. Have you gotten to that stage yet?
Tony: No! It's a hypothetical situation we're talkin' about!
Abby: Still in the guilt stage huh? And then you know, you can't take it anymore, it drives you insane, so you blab your secret to your best friend, or your mother, or your lover and it sets you free!
Tony: It does?
Abby: Yeah! Of course you lose all your friends, and your family and maybe even your job depending on what the secret is but yeah!
Tony: … Great.

Abby: When I was eleven years old I had a paper route, and I got sick of it. So I hid all the papers and I only delivered wet ones to people who complained.
Tony: That was you?
Ziva: It's my Mossad training, they drummed it into us: push, push, push, push, push, push, push, never give up 'till you get the truth.
Gibbs: Or get your ass kicked.

(About McGee being secretive)
Tony: Hmm, let's see…wrote a novel…
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published…
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel…
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us!
Gibbs: (to Ziva, in response to her questions about Tony) Ah, you two got married and didn't tell me.

Abby: You mean like a MOAS! Like, a mother of all secrets.
Tony: Yeah.
Abby: Oh everybody has one, I'm not gonna tell you mine… what's yours?
Tony: Ah ha! Nice try. I'm sitting on my MOAS!

Sheriff: He's an Iraqi.
Deputy: Same as the victim.
Ziva: She's from Kuwait, actually.
Deputy: And where are you from?
Ziva: The city.

Tariq: Did you shoot me?
Gibbs: No.
Tariq: Did she?
Ziva: No.
Tariq: Sheriff Barrett?
Gibbs: Possibly.
Tariq: His brother?
Ziva: Probably.

Ziva: Look Tony's been ver secretive lately and for a man who can't keep what he had for brekfast a secret I think it's……scary.
Gibbs: What's scary is your persitance.

Tony: Probie, i have a pimple on my left buttox that is a better writer than you.

(Tony is setting up a romantic dinner for two in the middle of a parking lot)
Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie… wait a second… is this a scene from an old movie?
Tony: Ah… well that really depends.
Jeanne: On?
Tony: Have you ever seen the movie called Strangers in the Night with Cary Grant?
Jeanne: I don't think so.
Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself.
McGee: Did you see their nameplates? Both are Barretts.
Ziva: Brothers?
McGee: Cousins?
Tony: Boondocks.

Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony…
Ziva: Run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Gibbs: And find out…
Tony: If any of them were BZ gas. On it boss.
Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Mann: Well they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.

Mann: Funny us running into each other like that.
Gibbs: Funny?
Mann: You have a better word?
Gibbs: A few come to mind.

(McGee and Abby are talking in nonstop technical terms.)
Mann: How long will they go on like this?
Gibbs: Until we stop 'em.

McGee: So this is the guy Ziva was drooling over.
Ziva: I wasn't drooling!
Tony: Please, I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes.
Ziva: At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows!
Tony: It's important to appreciate the competition.

Abby: (about getting a tattoo) What'd you think?
Gibbs: I don't think I'm the one to ask about this.
Abby: But Gibbs, you know me better than anyone else and when you're gonna make decision that's gonna effect the rest of your life you need the person around you who knows you the best for guidence.Please?
Gibbs: Where do you want to put the tattoo?
Abby: Okay, you're right.You're not the one to ask.

Ziva: (about Tony's girlfriend) Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That's what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate's copy.Pirate is a person, like Captan Jack Sparrow.A pirated copy…….
Ziva: Who is Jack Sparrow?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He's a piarte?
Tony: No, he's an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: (meaning their conversation) How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.

Jenny: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right, Tony?
Tony: That's right, Director, they could've…….
Gibbs: Shot him.
Tony: That's right, they could've shot him.
Gibbs: Of course, in a high octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through him heart.
Ziva: Three rounds.
Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've…..
McGee: Added three more.
Jenny: Gibbs.
Gibbs: See? There you go.Six rounds, same result, one dead Mr. Herio.

Jenny: Get the diamonds.
Ducky: Rene, aren't you forgetting something?
La Grenoullie: Ah, my bottle of history is your's my friend.Add to it well.
Ducky: I don't know what to say…….
McGee/Jenny: Give me the diamonds!

Tony: This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.
Ziva: Twenty million for that?
Tony: Size isn't everything…….forget I even stupidly started to say that.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, you were following orders.I'd have done the same thing.
Tony: Really?
Gibbs: Yeah.
Tony: You would have lied to Mike Franks?

Ziva: I told you I couldn't program the navigator.I'm a driver!
McGee: Ziva, I've driven with you before.I'd rather be lost than dead.

Ziva: (about La Grenoullie) Why don't we snatch him when he lands, toss him in the back of the trunk, and drive over the border.
McGee: That might work where you grew up Ziva, but not here.
Jenny: Why not?

Jenny: I will get him, another time, another deal. I will be there and I will get him.
Gibbs: Are you sure you want to?
Shepard: Of course I want to!
Gibbs: Some people need to have someone to hate.
Shepard: Not me.
Gibbs: Then you should have let Ziva take the shot.

Palmer: Not to mention a great source of protein.
Ducky: Ah, as I was saying, they should prove helpful in determining the time of death unless, of course, my assistant decides to eat them first.

Ziva: (to Lee, after her knife barely misses Gibbs' nose) I thought you said you grew up around weapons.
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them.

Ducky: People who choose to live their lives this way have no body to blame (shaking finger at dead P.O.) but themselves.

Ziva (whispering): Lee, Can you please pretend you want to be here with us?
Lee (whispering): I'm trying. I don't know where your Sig is, but I'm having trouble walking.

(As they watch McGee get into this exclusive club so they can look for a witness Hooker)
Tony: I really need to write a book.
Gibbs: (Mumbling almost) You should read one first…

Tony: (Sees McGee going up the stairs) McGee?
Gibbs: No…the famous novelist Thom E. Gemcity…

(Gibbs and Morris enter the elevator)
Carson: Should we call the paramedics?
Ziva: No need. If they fight, it'll be to the death.

Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needlestack.
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: I like my description better.

McGee: Ironic isn't it… serial killer forced to drink his own poison. (pause) Could make a good book… (Abby whacks his arm)

Ducky: However women normally hide poison in food not drinks.
Gibbs: That would explain why my last ex wife spent so much time in the kitchen.

McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up evidence bag) Find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee? If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here……Which may be the reason I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I gotta tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee.It works for me.

(McGee arrives in squadroom wearing hospital scrubs…)
Tony- "If clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?"
Ziva- "Male Nurse?"
Tony- "No. Aqua Smurf."

Ziva: (to Tony) "I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paper clip."

Tony: "Mossad, hot liquid, let her have it McGee."

Tony (to Ziva): You know you've been at the hospital too long when you know how to work the vending machines!

Abby: (referring to McGee's jacket) It's really soft. Rub that against a certain part of your body…
McGee: You didn't!
Abby: I don't even have that part!

Ziva: Special Agent Gibbs asked me to accompany you. I am Officer David.
Sanders: I'd shake your hand, but…
Ziva: Actually, it would be best to avoid all bodily contact.
Sanders: You sound just like my prom date.

(Abby is sucking the last drops out of her Caf-Pow!)
Gibbs: (trying to wrench the Caf-Pow! away from her) Abbs, it's over.
Abby: I just hate to see the first one of the morning end.

McGee: Found something.
Tony: Is it dangerous?
McGee: Do you want kids?… Kidding.

Diane Russio: Got a little drunk. I knocked on his door. He wouldn't let me in. I was a complete idiot and he was a complete gentleman.
Ziva: Or maybe he's gay.
Diane Russio: Oh, I don't think so.
Ziva: How do you know?
Diane Russio: I saw the way he looked at you.

Ziva: This is killing me, I feel like I know him.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Internet dateing?
Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.

Tony: (watching Gibbs in interrgation) This is my favorite part.
McGee: The part where Gibbs breaks him?
Tony: No. The part right before Gibbs breaks him, when the guy still thinks he has a chance.

Abby: (about Gibbs) Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.

Abby: You know how sometimes a guy can get you all tied up inside?
Ziva: Yes.
Abby: And you can't get the knots out?
Ziva: Yes.
Abby: Well, it just really helped me to talk things out with Gibbs. Because even if you don't let it show, people can still tell. So if you ever want to talk about..
Ziva: I liked him, he died, and um, what else is there to say?

Jenny: It's not too early for a cocktail is it?
Colonel Mann: Well, the sun must be down somewhere.

Gibbs: Any tattoos Ducky?
Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.

Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: … wrong person to ask.

Mike: (to Gibbs) We're getting more alike, you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. But I just know I've got to do what's right for my boy… I owe him that.

Abby (typing into the voice simulator): Hey Gibbs! Why no Caf-Pow!? (he stares at her) Okay. I shut up now.

Ducky: Yes, this man appears to have been literally at the heart of the explosion.
Tony: He was sitting on the bomb?
Gibbs: He was the bomb DiNozzo.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit Boss.
Gibbs: I've got a better way. Leave!

Paula: [about Ziva] I wonder what Gibbs would do if I slapped her.
Tony: I'd be more worried about what she would do.

Gibbs: I didn't bring you here for security.
Paula: I know I made a mistake but…
Gibbs: Say a prayer for your team, Cassidy. we'll do the heavy lifting.

Abby: What will you do then?
Ziva: We kill them, Abby.
Tony: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula: I prefer her way.

Tony: You guys miss me today, Abbs?
Abby: Why? Where were you?
Tony: Never mind.
Abby: Of course I did Tony.
(she hugs him, hurting his injured shoulder)
Tony: Ah!
Abby: Sorry.Are you okay?
Tony: Cassidy hit me.
(Abby looks at Paula)
Paula: If I'd puched him, Abby, he wouldn't be standing.
Abby: (hits Tony's arm) Never lie to a woman, Anthony DiNozzo.

Tony: Hey ah, Boss? Got a question for ya. That thing you said yesterday; we were really supposed to have the weekend duty Cassidy's team took?
Gibbs: Yep.
Tony: How'd we get out of it?
Gibbs: I asked.
Tony: So that really could've been us.
Gibbs: It could be us every single day of the week; sometimes it has been. You wanna worry about something? Worry about tomorrow.

Gibbs: (at a ball park) It's all about the concentration.
Mann: Anyone ever tell you you have a cute butt? (he misses)

Paula: For all we know he could have committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? I mean, that doesn't make any sense!
Tony: No, it doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies, an assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who's suicided before his suicide bombing; it's kinda like 'how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.'

Gibbs: You should just smack him in the back of the head, it works wonders for DiNozzo and McGee.
Ducky: I did, but he rather enjoyed it.
Ziva: (laughs) I'll be sure to remember that.

McGee: So we have to choose between Abby and Ducky?
Ziva: I'd rather be Mcgee's cat.
Jenny: (to Gibbs) So which one are you leaning toward?
Gibbs: Neither.My moneys on DiNozzo.

Gibbs: "Are you okay, Abs?"
Abby: "With all the bad guys after me, I feel like I'm dating Spiderman."
Landon: You set a wedding date yet?
Tony: The guest list is full.

Ziva: Maybe we should spitball ideas and see what sticks. (McGee and Tony stare.) What? Did I get it wrong?
Tony: No, you got that one right.

Abby: Did you know it's a bad idea to try and flush voodoo dolls down the toliet?
Tony: I do now.

Tony: Trust your instincts, Tim, they're usually right.Take the lead on this one, all we can do is assist,

Tony: (to McGee) It's not your fault; but if you even think about writing a third novel, I'll kill ya'.

Gibbs: Nice of you to join us, DiNozzo.
Tony: I thought I was gaining ground.He has a very unorthadox running style.But it's effective.
Gibbs: Not effective enough.

(watchin Todd 'run'.)
Tony: What do you call that?
Gibbs: Running………I think.

Abby: I will not reveal my sorcess even if you torture me.
Tony: Ducky?
Abby: Yes!

Abby: All right, let's hear it.
Tony: Hear what?
Abby: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Tony: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Ziva: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby: You guys are so lying. (gasps) He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby: No.
Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.

McGee: The blood starts at the ping pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never heard of beer pong, Probie……What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studdied.
Tony: That figures.Well, beer pong is a drinking game.The object of which is to take teh ping pong ball and try and get into the other teams cups.
McGee: Show me how's it done.
Tony: This is a crime scene, not a frat house. (McGee looks over his shoulder) You hearing voices, Probie.
McGee: Figured you saw Gibbs comeing.
Tony: Well, I just don't think this is the time or place to showcase my beer pong skills…..What?
McGee: Seems out of charcter.
Tony: (laughs) Yeah…..No, you may not use me to get over your writer's block.
Ziva: (entering) McGee has writer's block?
McGee: No, McGee does not.
(Tony nods behind McGee's back)
Ziva: Just do what you do did last time.Write about us.
McGee: Okay, I've told you guys a million times, the book is not about you.
Tony: Well of course not.It's about Special Agent Tommy.
Ziva: And officer Lisa.
Gibbs: (from the other room) DiNozzo!
Tony: And L.J. Tibbs.

Ducky: Yes, from what I hear Timothy, in your next novel L.J Tibbs has a love interest.
(Gibbs looks at McGee)
Ducky: Yes, from what I hear, it's an Army….
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that!
Gibbs: Army what, McGee?
McGee: Uh, Lietenant…..Cornell.Lietenant Cornell.

Jeanne: "Well I figured a guy like you would be used to doing that."
Tony: "Uh, I never got that far."
Jeanne: "Ah, well there's a first time for everything."

Jenny: Schedule a briefing in an hour and get me Agent DiNozzo.
Agent: Yes, Ma'am.
Tony: (walking in) You got 'im?
Jenny: I know Gibbs teached you to anticipate but I didnt even know I needed you until a second ago.
Tony: Well, when you're good, you're good.

Tony: She got one of Le Grenouille's men?
McGee: …through a tinted window…
Ziva: …in a car going forty miles per hour.
Tony: Rock on Jenny!

(Fornell walks into Jen's office)
Jenny: Agent Fornell…
Fornell: Jenny; Jethro.
Gibbs: Get lost on your way to work?

Gibbs: Director of NCIS.
Jenny: Yes?
Gibbs: That's a job I wouldn't want.
Jenny: Don't worry, no one's offering.
Gibbs: You know why?
Jenny: You mean besides your impatience, total lack of respect to authority, and the fact that you still haven't learned how to play nice with others?
Gibbs Yeah, besides all that.

Jenny: You got to be kidding me.
Gibbs: Old habits.

Mann: "I feel like an idiot"
Gibbs: "Sure sounded like one."

Jeanne: "Don't tell me you want to live with me then take it back."
Tony: "I am not taking it back. When I suggested we live together, I was speaking from, you know, what's the thing in your rib cage?"
Jeanne: "Heart."
Tony: "Heart. Yeah, I was and I am and I meant it. I'm just uh…"
Jeanne: "A commitment phobe afraid to love?"
Tony: "Right in the middle there."

Jeanne: "Don't do this to me, Tony."
Tony: "Jeanne."
Jeanne: "You didn't have to say anything yesterday. You could have just given me a hug and told me everything would be okay. That would have been more than enough."

(Tony finishes a private phone conversation with Jeanne to find the team standing behind him.)
Tony: "Hi."
McGee: "Hey, Abby called. She found something, wanted us to come down."
Gibbs: "If you're done, that is."
Tony: "I'm sorry, Boss. I'm…"
Gibbs: (interrupting) "I know, DiNozzo. Trust me, I know." (Gibbs and McGee leave)
Tony: (to Ziva) "How long were you guys there?"
Ziva: "Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate! "

Abby: The first thing that I did when I got the photos-
Ziva: Was run facial recognition software on every face you could find.
Tony: Which led nowhere.
Abby: Thank you both, for that reminder of my failure.
Gibbs: You haven't failed me yet, Abs.

Abby: I think, he bugged himself! Yeah, you like that? When you think you know where I'm going.. then 'Shazam!'.

McGee: Cant imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.
Ziva: Youd adapt.
McGee: What if I didnt?
Ziva: Youd fall into a deep depression and eventually you'd die.

McGee: Yeah, remind me not to come to you for a pep talk anytime soon.
Gibbs: You called me down here to tell me you got nothing?
Abby: Me, nothing, but (reffering to McGee) Mr. Mildly Neurotic Introvert with a highly sensitive ego, he has something.

Ziva: I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes. And I know what you're hiding from.
Tony: Yeah? What's that?
Ziva: What everyone afraid to love hides from, being hurt.
Tony: It's not just me that I'm worrying about hurting, Ziva.
Ziva: That's because you're a good person.

Tony: It's complicated.
Ziva: Complicated. Complicated. Complicated. You know, in America I have noticed they use that word as a code for, "If I explain it, uh, you would not agree with me. Therefore, I will use the word complicated and hopefully you will stop asking."
Tony: Yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm gonna go see what Abby wants.

Tony: You could try the buffer. (Everyone stares at him.) Sorry, you guys say that every once in a while so I thought….
Abby: He's right.
Ziva: He is?
Tony: I am?

Tony: Abby's processing the evidence from his office.She nearly bit my head off when I poked it in lab to check on her.
McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.
Ziva: (shocked) Abby?
Tony: (equally shocked) Abby Scuito?

Jenny: Hello, Cynthia. Hello? Cynthia?
Gibbs: Nooo.
Jenny: Jethro. I should have recognized the heavy breathing.

Gibbs: She hung up on me.
Cynthia: Shocking.

Gibbs: Did you call back to apologize?
Tony: Uhhh, I don’t know what you heard, boss, but I was not the one who started that pool.
Gibbs: What pool is that, DiNozzo?
Tony: On the case?
Gibbs: What case?
Tony: There’s a dead body in the taxi at the main gate, case.

Cynthia: The case files.
Gibbs: Leave ‘em on my desk.
Cynthia: They are on your desk!

Tony: Maybe he died of embarrassment when he couldn’t pay the cab fare.
Ducky: Alas, death by embarrassment isn’t a certifiable cause, however intriguing the notion.

Ducky: (re Tony): It’s about time that boy fell in love.

McGee: I wonder what Gibbs did wrong?
Tony: Slipped into Jenny’s heels.

Gibbs: Hey, Ducky, you win the pool!
Ducky: (fist pump): Yes! Thank you, Jethro.
Gibbs: And I didn’t do anything wrong, McGee.

La Grenouille: Have they located Borov?
Trent Kort: Not yet.
La Grenouille: Perhaps they should.

Joey Kelly (to Gibbs, indicating Tony): Well, he said I could leave.
Tony: Well, what I say doesn’t count when the boss is here.
Kelly: Like me when the wife is around.

Tony: Even if he had it extended for a year, he’s here illegally.
Gibbs: Should we notify immigration and deport him?
Tony (nervous laugh): That’s a good one, boss.

Gibbs: I thought you were supposed to solve these riddles Duck?
Ducky: Abby and I like to share.

Abby: Oh, this cab is bringing back memories. Cheap vinyl, plastic divider, dirty floor. Actually, these floors are pretty clean. The ones I remember were dirty.
McGee: Let me guess, short-lived career as a cabbie?
Abby: Short-lived encounter. Ships in the night.
McGee: Oooh.
Abby: My first time.
Ziva: For what?
McGee: Front seat or back?
Abby: Back. Well, both, kind of.
Ziva: Oh! My first time was in a weapons carrier.
McGee/Abby: Of course it was.
Ziva: Where was the cabbie when this, um, encounter took place?
Abby: He was the cabbie. Putting himself through school. It was his first time, too.
Gibbs: First time for what?
Abby: Seeing a curling match, Gibbs. Have you ever seen a curling match? The pristine ice and those little brooms that sweep.

Tony (over phone): I wouldn’t normally ask you this, but since you didn’t know the deceased, I was wondering if you’d be interested in subscribing to our DVD club? It’s mostly East German films. Because I have a special… Haha! Gets ‘em off the line fast every time.

Ziva: When is the Director returning?
Tony: Sometime tomorrow.
Ziva: I don’t think Gibbs is going to last that…

Gibbs: Scoletti’s lawyers have a hired gun coming in to check Abby’s ballistics. Tell Abby.
McGee: I’d really rather not.

Abby: They’re questioning the validity of my ballistics.
McGee: Scoletti’s lawyers are desperate. They’re desperate. They’re like drowning men, grasping…
Abby: At thin polystyrene tubes?
McGee: I-I was gonna say straws, but I do like that ending better.

Abby: I pride myself on the accuracy of my forensics, and lawyers, (lawyers!), are questioning it.
McGee: Abby, they don’t know you like we know you, okay? They’re hoping that you made a mistake, but when their ballistic experts don’t find any, that makes your forensics all the more damning in court. So please do not let desperate lawyers grasping at thin polystyrene tubes upset you. Please.
Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like, "love you"- love you. Not that I don’t love you, because I do, kinda, you know, like.., like the way I love puppies.
McGee: I…I could’ve done without that comparison.

Gibbs (to Kelly): After a while, women, they just don’t like me.

Ziva: Hey, we’ll make it worth your wow.
Tony: 'While,' not 'wow.'
Ziva: 'Wow' makes more sense.
Tony: You’re right, 'wow' would be better.

Ducky: Good work, my dear.
Abby: Thank you, Ducky.
Ducky: You’re welcome.
Gibbs: Whenever you two are done….

Kort: No foreplay?
Jenny: No time.
Kort: So-o-o American.

Ziva: Our cabbie did not take the most direct route from the Embassy.
Tony: This is America, Ziva, the land of opportunity. No cabbie ever takes the quickest route.

Kelly (to Gibbs and Ziva when phone rings): The wife. I’m gonna take this because she scares me more than you guys.

Marine Corporal Keener: Both hands on the wheel.
Kelly: Okay, okay, whatever you say.
Keener: Step out of the taxi.
Kelly: Hands on the wheel or step out? I can’t do both.
Keener: Guess.

Kelly: Thelma looks like you when she’s pissed, only she doesn’t have a gun, thank God.

Kelly (to Gibbs): Tell her enough with the evil eye, it reminds me of my mother.
Ziva: You’re comparing me to your mother?
Kelly: Just the eyes, and maybe a little around the mouth.
Ziva: (to Gibbs) Permission to shoot?

(Gibbs is on the phone)
Tony: That the director on the phone.
Ziva: Secnav.
McGee: Wonder what Gibbs did wrong.
Tony: Slipped into Jenny's heels.
(Gibbs gets off the phone and starts over to them)
Tony: Uh, Ziva, take the driver's statment.
Ziva: I already did.
Tony: McGee, crime scene photos, finish 'em.
McGee: Yeah, I finished 'em.
Gibbs: You get an ID?
Tony: Yeah, photo on the ID matches the victum's.
Ziva: Amal Farhan.No buzzers.
McGee: Bells.
Gibbs: What else?
McGee: A list with seven names on it.Farhem is number five.
Ziva: Obviously whatever he wanted to tell us had something to do with this list.
Gibbs: Find everyone on it.
Tony: So, uh, Director, does that mean—-
Gibbs: I'm heading the investigation.Hey, Duck, you win the pool!
Ducky: Yes! Thank you, Jethro!
Gibbs: And I didn't do anything wrong, McGee.

Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?
Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.
Gibbs: How would you know?
Jenny Don't touch that! It's scotch you drink bourbon
Gibbs:So do you
Jenny: I had another visitor, before you arrived unannounced.
Gibbs: Did he duck out the back?
Jenny : Now you do sound like a jealous husband

Jenny [to Gibbs about being "acting" director] I take it walking in my heels has presented a challenge.

Tony: (after saying he had to lie to Gibbs) He's my boss.
Jenny: And I'm *his* boss. You leave him to me. Your ass is covered.
Tony: I'm not worried about my a**, Jenny!

Jenny: Is the Agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?
Cynthia: Mmm, we survived.
Jenny: (laughs) Did Gibbs?
Cynthia: Barely.

Cynthia: Welcome home director. How was the interpol conference?
Jenny: Fine, full of eurocops trying to hook up with me. (pause) And no I didn't
Cynthia: (flustered) Oh, uhh, I wasn't wondering.
Jenny: I would if I were you.

Jenny: In polite society one usually calls before a visit. Bourbon?
Gibbs: I've kicked in too many doors to be polite. Yes.
Jenny: I appreciate the restraint you showed by using the bell. I've been rather fond of that door since I was a child.

Gibbs: You still dream about OJ-ing Diane?
Fornell: Nah Emily kind of likes her. You?
Gibbs: Only when I think about my grandfather's watch.

Abby: (to Ziva and Tony about McGee) He panics taking tests.
McGee: It's not uncommon.
Abby: It started in kindergarden.Couldn't change the answer.
Tony: Hard to erase crayon.

Ziva: You lied about your name.
McGee: No.Timothy McGee is my legal name.Thom E. Gemcity is my pen name, I don't any other names.
Gibbs: (entering) Probie.
McGee: Yeah, boss?
Gibbs: And Elflord.Two other names.

(Abby is trying to help McGee prepare for his polygraph)
Gibbs: Why are you torturing McGee?

Lee: You can consitutionally refuse to take a polograph.
McGee: I'd have to turn in my badge.
Lee: True.But you don't have to take teh test.
Abby: Hey! I have an idea.Why don't we get Ducky to tell the examiners that Tim is just way to stressed out to take the test.
Lee: Ducky's a medical examiner, he's not a physiatrist.
Abby: But he does physcological profiles.
Ziva: Of serial killers.
McGee: That's good.I'll go from federal agent to serial killer in one day.
Abby: Just a thought.
Bartender: Here ya go.(gives Abby another drink)
Abby: Thanks.Wow, great bartender.
Ziva: You can beat a poloygraph.
Abby: No you can't.
Ziva: I've done it, Abby.It's part of Mossad training.All you have to do—-
Lee: Oh, hello, if it's unethnical I can't hear it.
Ziva: Well, don't listen!
Lee: Fine.Lalalalala.Go ahead.Lalalalalala.

McGee: Homeland Security is ordering us to take a polygraph.
Ducky: It's rather odd but it's nothing to worry about unless you a spy.
Ziva: Why are you looking at me?
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.
Palmer: I don't think they expect you to be funny, Doctor. (pause)That's didn't come out right.
Ducky: No, I should say not.
Palmer: I mean, I don't think they expect a Scottsman to be funny.
Abby: Stop…..digging…..Palmer.You've almost reached China.

Ducky: (making a toast) May the best you've ever seen, be the worst you'll ever see.May a mouse never leave your gernal with a tear drop in his E.May you stay hial and hearty until you're old enough to D.May you all be as happy as we wish you all to be.
McGee: (phone rings) Guys, I'm sorry I gotta go.
Abby: Me too.Great toast, Ducky.
Ducky: Thank you.
Palmer: Terrfic.
Lee: Really good, Doctor.
(everyone leaves except Ziva)
Ziva: May a mouse never leave your gerdal with a tear drop in his E.
Ducky: Not gerdal.Gernal.It's an oat bin.If it was empty a mouse would cry.
Ziva: (raising her glass) To dry eyed mice.
Ducky: (laughs) Here, here.

Ziva: I have a funny feeling doctor.
Ducky: It's teh tequilla, my dear.You've had three Shooters just in the time I've been here.
Ziva: (looking at her phone) Striaght to voicemail just like always when he's with her.
Ducky: Tony?
Ziva: What?
Ducky: (pause) Nothing.
Ziva: Oh, no, no, no.That was defintly something.
Ducky: Well, why do you moniter Tony?
Ziva: I don't moniter Tony.
Ducky: Yes, you do, my dear.Like a mother with a toddler.
Ziva: That's a good description.
Ducky: Or a woman with a wayward lover
.
Ducky: Ziva it's friday night, Tony is with his girlfriend and you are worried about him what does that tell you?
Ziva: He is my partner and my partner said he would be here, and……and I have this not so good feeling.